“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~ Ralph Nichols
Life and relationships will inevitably have some rough spots. There may be an issue at work, or a conflict with a parent, spouse or child. Hopefully, as we go through life we will develop the skills to resolve these issues in healthy ways.
What is unhealthy is taking things too personally, and reacting with anger, resentment and judgment. All this does is to escalate the situation, creating more things for both sides to feel upset about. If this is a pattern that exists between two people, they likely have the sense that they have the same argument over and over, but nothing ever gets resolved.
If we are blaming someone for making us feel a certain way it is unlikely resolution will come, because we cannot make others responsible for how we feel. We have a better chance of finding resolution if we target specific behaviors and set boundaries around those.
If we say, “I do not want you to talk to me like that anymore,” the person does have the power to honor our request. If he or she agrees, and keeps to that agreement, then there is resolution.
If we say, “You just do not respect me,” or “You do not care about me,” we are projecting what we believe to be true of the other onto him or her, and if they disagree with our assessment, all we have is an argument that no one will ever win.
If we are successful in identifying specific behaviors and getting agreement about the changes required, it is important then to let it go. If someone makes the effort to change the behavior we need to give credit for that, and refrain from throwing the old behavior back in their face. There is nothing that can be done to change the past, and using it as ammunition will only escalate a current argument.
It is hard to move forward if we are dragging along all the baggage from the past. This will inevitably happen if all requests to change behaviors have been ignored. A good relationship, whether personal or professional, involves listening to one another, and being willing to make adjustments that serve the good of all.
Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
Related MP3s Available:
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Communication in Relationships
Relationship Landmines
When Relationships Break Down
Relationship Healing
“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” ~ Max Lucado
Sometimes we get into trouble for things we did not even do. Remember, when you were a child and got blamed for something inappropriately? No doubt you felt angry, frustrated and resentful. If you protested your innocence, and you were believed, then you felt a little better. If you were not believed, the anger and resentment deepened.
Power struggles can be common in relationships. This can happen with a spouse, a child/parent, or with a boss/coworker. This occurs when two people disagree and try to convince the other of the correctness of their position.
Most of us, unless we are staunchly independent, want to have a loving relationship with a partner. While relationships start out that way, sometimes things change over time, and the loving part gets lost amidst the demands of everyday living. As life becomes more complicated, and reality sets in, we may see aspects of our partner which are different from what we first imagined.
Sometimes, in the midst of an argument, one person will say he or she does not want to talk anymore. When they try to walk away, the other follows, continuing the argument. The more they insist they do not want to argue anymore the more the other pushes, following the first around the house, even yelling through a closed door.
Divorce is never easy, but does it have to be nasty? It can become that way when, after years of functioning more or less on the same team, a couple finds themselves in an adversarial position. Each can feel threatened, believing the other wants to take away more than his/her share.
How often have you heard it said that we get so little training for the major things in life, like marriage and parenting? Well, that is slowly changing, although too often the training comes after the fact.
So you want to leave your relationship, but you really do not want to hurt your partner. You agonize, because the loving feelings just are not there, and perhaps have not been for a long time. It may not even be that there are issues that, if resolved, would make you want to stay.
I was recently asked to address the issue of elderly parents who are having marital difficulties. Often couples who are in mid-life are distressed by the struggles they witness between their parents. It may be that the problems have been there all along, or perhaps they have developed in the later years. Either way, it is painful to see parents unhappy, fighting with each other, or living in cold silence.