Blog - Page 47 of 50 - Gwen Randall-Young

If You Really Loved Me

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

“Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.” ~ Dr. Joyce Brothers

Sometimes in love relationships a comment is made that begins with, “If you really loved me you would….”. When I work with couples I suggest that they remove that phrase from their relationship vocabulary because it creates nothing but trouble.

The phrase is manipulative, whether intended to be so or not. The recipient is immediately put into a bind: either do what the person wants even if you do not want to, or be accused of not loving the partner.

Common sense tells us that we can really love someone and not want to do something they want. It is also possible for someone to do what we want and not truly love us. So there is no consistent correlation between loving someone and doing what they want.

Generally one who uses the “if you loved me” phrase believes it is the partner’s job to keep him or her happy. If the partner pleases me, then I feel loved. If not, then I do not feel loved. This is a tremendous responsibility to put on another. Usually low self-esteem is at the bottom of this, so the individual constantly needs “proof” of being loved.

This leads to controlling behavior—controlling through guilt. The irony is that this control may result in getting the behaviors we want, but they are coming through coercion, not from love.

It is okay to ask for what you want. It is also okay to express disappointment when you do not get what you hoped for. For a healthy relationship and clear communication, just keep the faulty “if you really loved me” equation out of it. (For information on obtaining my Relationship Healing CD, see below.)

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codependency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

Physical Abuse – Anger Can Have Serious Consequences

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Physical Abuse – Anger Can Have Serious Consequences

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

There was a time when it was common practice to spank children. Domestic violence also occurred, but was kept hidden. Times have changed, and using physical force against another can have devastating consequences.

Aside from the emotional impact for the one being hit, there are serious legal consequences. A child can be removed from the home, or the offending parent may have to leave.

If force is used against a spouse, and the police are called, they are the ones who charge the individual, not the victim. Hence, when the couple kisses and makes up a few days later, they do not have the option of dropping the charges.

There does not have to be extreme violence or the drawing of blood for charges to be laid. Grabbing a woman by the wrists to restrain her can result in bruises that become evidence in court.

What should be obvious is that if things get physical in the home, help is needed. There are effective parenting strategies that do not involve verbal or physical abuse. Couples who resort to force with each other need counseling to learn how to communicate, resolve disputes and control anger.

Getting help and upgrading ones skills for dealing with problems is critical not just for the current wellbeing of the family, but for the next generation as well. Remember, children observe how parents handle them and each other. Without some intervention, they may repeat all of the same behaviors with siblings and on the playground, and continue these when they become adults.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

Relationship Red Flags

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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If your female partner is harassing you, it could be a good thing. If she complains that she does not see enough of you, wants to spend more time with you, wants better communication, and needs more affection—this means she loves you, finds you attractive, and enjoys being with you.

Men often interpret these complaints as criticisms, whether or not they are presented in a critical tone. Even if they were leveled as criticisms, the bottom line is that she wants you. Try to consider this as a compliment, rather than becoming defensive. She is probably hurting, thinking you do not enjoy being with her.

It is important to address her concerns before she gets tired of asking, and begins to give up on you. She may be heading down that road if :

1) she would rather spend time with her girlfriends than with you,

2) she tells her troubles to friends and family members before you,

3) she no longer approaches you affectionately,

4) she laughs more with others than with you, or,

5) more and more, it is as though you are leading separate lives.

If three or more of the above apply to your situation, your relationship could be in serious trouble. It is time to ask her if she is happy in the relationship and what she needs from you to make it better. If she does not want to talk, then going for couple’s counseling should be considered.

If she will not talk, and refuses counseling to assist in becoming more connected, she may already have left the relationship, emotionally at least. This can leave a man feeling quite bewildered. Talking to a professional can be the first step in figuring out what to do next.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

Relationship Healing MP3

Rescue Yourself From Abusive Relationships

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Rescue Yourself From Abusive Relationships

When is enough enough? Life can be difficult sometimes, especially when things happen over which we have little or no control. Sometimes though, the biggest stresses in one’s life may come from exactly the place where we should find comfort and safety: the home.

Ironically, some people save their worst behaviors for the ones with whom they live. This stress is probably the worst kind, because there is little escape. You can always go home after a day at a stressful job. You can stop spending time with people who create tension. Hiding out or escaping from your own home is a different story.

A certain amount of stress and conflict is normal in any family or relationship. Ideally, issues come up, they are dealt with, and harmony is restored. In some cases, however, the conflict is ongoing. It seems the issues never go away, and like an open wound, the pain never stops.

How do you know when what you are dealing with is too much? Generally your own stress level will tell you that, but some people are so used to stress that they do not see it as a warning sign. External clues include the following: being constantly put down, being called names, being yelled at, intimidated or physically hurt, being controlled (as an adult), being consistently ignored or discounted, or feeling afraid. Some individuals were treated like this as children, and since it feels familiar, they put up with it as adults. Nonetheless, it still takes its toll on health. It is not healthy for the one on the receiving end, and it is not healthy for children to be in an environment where this is happening to a parent, siblings or themselves.

The first step is to realize you are in an abusive situation. The next step is to get help. Asking the individual to go with you for counselling might work. Often, though, they do not feel they have the problem, and so refuse help. In that case, you must access help yourself. If the situation has been going on for years, it is not going to magically resolve itself.

Often there is little that can be done to change the one who is hurting others, so the focus is on helping the victim become strong enough to make good choices. As an adult, you are the only one who can rescue yourself. If you are a child, you will need someone to help you. Talk to a trusted teacher, counsellor, relative or someone from your church. Keep telling until someone helps.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

The Trap of Codependency

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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More than ever before, people speak in terms of ‘working on’ relationships . This means if they are not happy in the relationship, be it a marriage, friendship or family connection, they care enough to try to make it better.

This is a good thing, most of the time. No one can argue against putting some energy into making it work. If both people are emotionally healthy, respectful of the individuality of the other, and able to maintain healthy boundaries, they should see good results.

Unfortunately, sometimes the best of intentions can backfire, for reasons beyond your control.

This can happen when you are involved with someone who needs to use you to fulfill deep emotional needs, but may or may not be consciously aware of it. Let’s look at an example. You meet someone with whom you have a lot in common. A friendship develops, and you feel very positive about it. Things go well for a while, but then slowly at first, your friend may become cold and distant.

At first, there may be denial that anything is wrong. Ultimately, you find that the friend is hurt or angry, because you did not meet some expectation that they had. You may feel badly, and redouble your efforts to be a good friend.

You then start to anticipate how the friend will feel about things, and alter your behavior accordingly. You are now trapped in the sticky web of codependency.

This web requires one person who truly wants others to be happy, perhaps even more than they want that for themselves, and another who expects others to make him or her happy.

Resentment begins to build within you, because what once was freely given , now seems to be demanded, and in even greater amounts. Because you are one who likes to make things work, you find yourself spending more and more time ‘processing’ the relationship with this person.

What neither of you may recognize is that you have become the unwitting victim of another’s need to play out unresolved hurts from the past. When you begin to feel the frustration of the unrealistic expectations placed upon you, and try to pull back from the relationship, you enter another level of craziness.

The codependent may suddenly become very friendly, loving, even remorseful. You may even be told that you are the only one who really understands him or her. There is a promise that things will be different. They will be: but just until you are lulled into falling back into the trap again.

The cycle repeats again and again, often with more intense confrontation each time. You may not understand why, but the codependent thrives on the confrontation with you. It gives them the opportunity to vent all of their hurts and anger from the past.

For some, emotional entanglement is better than feeling ignored.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

The Unhappy Relationship

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you’re really strangers.” ~ Mary Tyler Moore

Are you in a relationship that is making you unhappy? All relationships will have occasional ups and downs, so I am not talking about the occasional rough spot. Rather, I am referring to the kind of relationship that is marked by struggle and dissention.

A relationship should be a source of nurturance and comfort. It should add to our life rather than detracting from it. Our partner should be someone with whom we can feel safe, and with whom we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings. He or she should be our best friend.

Often relationships start out that way, but over the years things gradually shift until the couple either find themselves to be outright enemies, or at least quite distant from one another. They find themselves living a life of conflict, or else lives of quiet desperation.

If this sounds familiar, and you want to save the relationship, then the old pattern has to change. Talk to each other, and discuss ways to make the relationship a happier place to be. Criticizing or judging each other will not take you forward. Focus on what you want to create, rather than the past.
If you cannot do this on your own, go for marriage counseling. You may just need help getting started. If the problems are long standing, or its hard to communicate, you may need to be in therapy for several months. This allows the time and guidance to firmly establish new, healthy patterns.

If you have already decided you do not want to be with this person anymore, then do something about it. Staying and making each other miserable does not serve anyone. Sometimes people stay longer than they should in unhappy situations because their childhood was unhappy and they are used to that. Others stay because they are afraid of change. If you do not want to be where you are, but do not know how to move on, then counseling can be helpful.

We have one life to live, and we owe it to ourselves to make it as good as possible.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codependency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

Being Your True Self in Relationships

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“This above all,–to thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” ~ William Shakespeare

Are you in a relationship with a spouse or a friend where you feel you cannot express your true thoughts? Do you find yourself censoring your views because you are afraid the other will become upset or it will create a problem? Do you feel at times like you are walking on eggshells?

This is not a healthy situation because in this kind of relationship you cannot be, or express your true self. You have to talk and behave in ways that will be acceptable to the other. This can create distance in the relationship, and even resentment.

You may end up shutting down important parts of yourself, and this can lead to unhappiness or even depression. Alternatively, you may have others in your life with whom you can be yourself, and then your life becomes fragmented. It is like you are one person with those with whom you can be your true self, and another person for those you must not annoy.

Honesty is such an important part of intimate relationships, and if we cannot be honest, we cannot have true intimacy. The relationship itself becomes dishonest, because we are pretending to be someone different than who we really are.

If revealing who we really are will result in rejection from the other, then it is not really us they think they love, but rather the idea of who they think we are. Both parties collude in keeping this deception going.

We all deserve to be loved and accepted for who we are. If you are dancing to the beat of someone else’s drum, it may be time to stop, and take some time to decide just who it is you are, and how you want to be with that. You may decide that life is too short, and individuality to important to have to pretend.

Related MP3s Available:

Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Communication in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Attracting an Ideal Mate
Relationship Healing

Your Authentic Self MP3

Choosing a ‘Happily Ever After’ Partner

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Sadly, it is increasingly uncommon to see couples celebrating twenty-fifth wedding anniversaries. As meaningful as vows and religious convictions might be, some couples reach the point where it seems to be doing more harm than good to stay together.

Perhaps the trend towards marrying in the late twenties or early thirties will have a positive impact on the longevity of marriages. By that age, young people often have had the opportunity to date several people, to become established in a career, and to mature.

These factors allow them to make a conscious choice about what they want for their future. It is not simply a matter of falling in love and getting excited about the ‘idea’ of a wedding. It is more about getting clear about who one is, and knowing when there is a good ‘fit’ with a partner.

To fall in love with someone because they are attractive, or fun to be with is fine, but those qualities alone cannot sustain a strong marriage. You have to really know the person well enough to see both strengths and weaknesses. You also must be prepared to live with the weaknesses, because you cannot change another person. Ideally, with good communication and commitment to the marriage, compromises can be worked out.

Too often, things we may not like are overlooked in the thrill of the romance, and once the honeymoon is over we want to begin making ‘renovations.’ This is the source of much conflict in marriages. Better to have waited and found someone who was a better fit for you, than to marry another and make his/her life miserable because he/she is not all that you wanted.

If you want to live happily ever after, then you must take your time in choosing, and choose with both your head and your heart.

Related MP3s available:

Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Communication in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Attracting an Ideal Mate
Relationship Healing

Relationship Healing MP3

Keeping Your Marriage Strong

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“For a marriage to have any chance, every day at least six things should go unsaid. ” ~ Unknown

In the early stages of a romantic relationship, part of the reason it feels so wonderful is that not only are we on our best behavior, but we give our partner a lot of positive feedback.

We listen attentively to all that is said, validating and supporting what we are hearing. We give each other our undivided attention. If there are things about the other that are not perfect, we just let them go because there is so much we do like. We are happy not only because we love this person, but also because it feels delicious to be loved so unconditionally.

As couples get further into the relationship, things often change. Little criticisms can begin to creep in. Often these relate to ways in which the other is different from us. The assumption is that our way is correct, and the partner is doing it wrong. The critic sets him or herself up as the standard against which the other is to be judged.

Slowly the one who was once complimented and adored, becomes the recipient of a sometimes steady stream of comments about what he or she is doing wrong. When this happens, is it any wonder that the relationship is not what it once was?

A partner probably chose us because it felt good to be around us. He or she felt loved, appreciated and respected, no doubt assuming that would make for a happy relationship. It is tough to wake up months or years later wondering where all that good stuff went.

The truth is that if couples ensured that the other felt their love, appreciation and respect on a daily basis, the warm, good feelings of the early days would still be there. In fact, they would grow deeper.

If you wish to improve your relationship, criticizing your partner is not the way to do so. Showing interest, caring, concern and love, as you did in the beginning, is the best way to revitalize the relationship and keep it strong.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Communication in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Attracting an Ideal Mate
Relationship Healing

Life’s Teachers Are Near at Hand

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Are you frustrated with your spouse because he/she makes you angry? Do you wish your partner were different so that you would not have to get so angry and upset?

Partners can do things that are legitimately upsetting, like drinking too much, telling lies, being abusive, or making unilateral decisions. However, what I am talking about here are the small things—things that are annoying, but not necessarily reasons to call your lawyer.

These issues are the ones that can challenge us to look at our own judgments and reactions, and our ability to love unconditionally. No one is perfect, and it can be very easy to look at what we do not like about our partner, than to focus on all of his or her positive attributes.

Often it is our own agenda, expectations or ego issues that cause us to react negatively to those closest to us. That is why we say those who irritate us can be our best teachers. They cause us to look at why we react as we do.

Ego simply wants to blame the other person. We tell ourselves that if he/she did not act that way, I would be different. However, that is only our excuse for not being conscious and mature in our responses.

It is easy to be a wonderful person with our friends and colleagues, and when everything is going well. The real test though, is how we behave with those closest to us, when we are frustrated, disappointed or annoyed.

If we all focused on improving our own reactions and behaviours instead of pointing the finger at others, we would all be further ahead.

Related MP3s available:

Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Communication in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Attracting an Ideal Mate
Relationship Healing

Creating the Ultimate Relationship MP3