Gwen Randall-Young

‘If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” ~Sam Levenson

It is easy to fall in love, easy to get married. What is not so easy is living in harmony and working as a team. A lot of assumptions are made about what makes a “good wife” or “good husband,” but often these are assumed rather than negotiated.

Courtship and honeymoons are a lot different than day-to-day life filled with responsibilities and many things to juggle. When the going gets tough, there can be a tendency to start criticizing a partner for not behaving as we think a spouse should.

Women are particularly good at this. In the 21 st century we are far too liberated to have a husband tell us how we should behave as a wife, but have no hesitation in holding our men up to a sometimes unrealistic ideal. Now men, before you go clipping out this column and waving it in her face, I said unrealistic. It is not unrealistic to do your share of the home maintenance and parenting responsibilities.

Some women assume a husband should be at her beck and call. He is like a personal assistant and should carry out all of her demands, and further, should be able to mind-read and know exactly what she is thinking and what she wants. His first obligation in life is to her, and like the hired help needs to ask if it would be okay if he took a day or evening off.

She thinks this is all okay, because, after all, if you love me and married me, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Well, not really. A marriage should be a partnership where the needs of both parties are honored. Neither one should be superior or controlling towards the other. Individuals should be able to ask for what they need rather than demanding or criticizing. Couples should be like best friends who work things out so it’s all good.

There is a difference between being boyfriend/girlfriend and being husband/wife. Before getting married, talk about what you both think a husband/wife should be. Talk about finances, children, household chores and spending time with friends. If you are on the same page, go for it. If you see red flags, don’t think it will be easier to gain agreement once you are married, and act accordingly.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Communication in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Attracting an Ideal Mate
Relationship Healing

A warm, loving, nurturing relationship is a healthy thing. In such a relationship there is laughter, connection, intimacy, communication and fun. These qualities can reduce stress, reduce anxiety and depression, improve quality of life and cause the body to produce endorphins: hormones that make us feel good and even reduce pain.

If a good relationship can contribute to our health, what happens if the relationship is not good. Of course there are variations depending on how negative the relationship is, and how much involvement there is; whether it is a spouse or immediate family member, extended family, a boss or colleague or a neighbor.

A negative relationship creates stress. It may also result in depression, anxiety, feelings of anger, sadness, or loneliness. Here, rather than good chemicals, the body produces stress hormones. In fact, studies have shown that after an angry or upsetting episode, the immune system is suppressed for six to eight hours! If another incident happens, or even re-living it as we tell someone about it, then the immune system suppressed for a further six to eight hours.

It is clear that if our relationship with someone in our lives is conflicted, we could be in an almost constant state of immune system suppression. We may not experience effects of this right away, but over time we may be vulnerable to a variety of health issues.

We need to think of stress, negativity, anger and conflict as things that are toxic to our bodies. We would not breathe or ingest substances we knew to be toxic to our bodies. Similarly, we should also practice ecology in our emotional environment. If the situation or interactions cannot be changed to create a more positive emotional climate, it may be time to make a move.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

“Codependency is not about a relationship with an addict, it is the absence of relationship with self.” ~ Terry Kellogg

Codependency in relationships is a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving. Basically it is about unhealthy emotional dependencies.

Codependency develops due to growing up in a family where there are rules that hinder development. These rules may include: its not okay to talk about problems; feelings should not be expressed, rather kept inside; communication is best if its indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; don’t be selfish; its not okay to play or be playful; don’t rock the boat.

These kinds of rules can interfere with the free and healthy development of self-esteem and ability to cope. Consequently the child grows into an adult with non-helpful behavior characteristics, problem solving techniques and reactions to situations in life.

How do you know if you are codependent? Indicators would be that generally you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, are aware that you don’t play as much as others, or others point out you could be more playful.

Symptoms of codependency include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, intimacy problems, caretaking behavior, hypervigilant about potential threats or danger and physical illness related to stress.

The codependent very often feels others are not doing enough to meet his/her needs, becomes easily hurt by comments or behaviors of others, holds resentments, and generally has more conflicted relationships than average.

The codependent often feels the solution to his/her problems is for others to change their behaviors. However, the real solution is for the person to learn to take one hundred percent of the responsibility for his/her own thoughts and feelings.

Inner healing is required, generally through therapy. The process includes learning to see, value, acknowledge and understand oneself. It is important to learn to be conscious of what you are feeling and being open to learning what you are doing to create your own feelings, rather than being a victim and believing others are causing your feelings. It is also about learning to attend to our own wants and needs.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

More than ever before, people speak in terms of ‘working on’ relationships. This means if they are not happy in the relationship, be it a marriage, friendship or family connection, they care enough to try to make it better. This is a good thing, most of the time. No one can argue with putting some energy into making it work. If both people are emotionally healthy, respectful of the individuality of the other, and able to maintain healthy boundaries, they should see good results.

Unfortunately, sometimes the best of intentions can backfire, for reasons beyond your control. This can happen when you are involved with someone who needs to use you to fulfill deep emotional needs, but may or may not be consciously aware of it.

Let’s look at an example. You meet someone with whom you have a lot in common. A friendship develops, and you feel very positive about it. Things go well for a while, but then slowly at first, your friend may become cold and distant. At first, there may be denial that anything is wrong. Ultimately, you find that the friend is hurt or angry, because you did not meet some expectation that they had. You may feel badly, and redouble your efforts to be a good friend. You then start to anticipate how the friend will feel about things, and alter your behavior accordingly.

You are now trapped in the sticky web of codependency. This web requires one person who truly wants others to be happy, perhaps even more than they want that for themselves, and another who expects others to make him or her happy. Resentment begins to build within you, because what once was freely given, now seems to be demanded, and in even greater amounts. Because you are one who likes to make things work, you find yourself spending more and more time ‘processing’ the relationship with this person.

What neither of you may recognize is that you have become the unwitting victim of another’s need to play out unresolved hurts from the past. When you begin to feel the frustration of the unrealistic expectations placed upon you, and try to pull back from the relationship, you enter another level of craziness. The codependent may suddenly become very friendly, loving, even remorseful. You may even be told that you are the only one who really understands him or her. There is a promise that things will be different. They will: but just until you are lulled into falling back into the trap again.

The cycle repeats again and again, often with more intense confrontation each time. You may not understand why, but the codependent thrives on the confrontation with you. It gives them the opportunity to vent all of their hurts and anger from the past. For some, emotional entanglement is better than feeling ignored. Look for Part 2 of this article next week.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

Last week, we began a discussion of the challenges of difficult relationships: relationships in which it seems hard to express who we are and what we need, without the other becoming offended. Some individuals are what we call ‘co-dependent’, meaning that they hold others responsible for their happiness. If you are not behaving in the ways they want you to, they become upset. You end up spending a lot of time trying to justify your feelings and your actions.

Ultimately, it may seem that no matter how much you give, change or try to accommodate, it is never enough. You end up feeling guilty just for being you! What is the best way to handle this kind of relationship? The most important task for you is to begin to set clear boundaries. You need to pull back a little, separating yourself from the needs of the other person. We are here to live our own lives. Our presence may complement another’s life, but we cannot fulfill what is missing for someone else.

Imagine that you and the other person are in the middle of a lake, and you must swim to shore. In a healthy relationship, you swim side by side sometimes, and other times one or the other may swim ahead. You each take responsibility yourselves for getting to shore and may choose to keep each other company on the way. In an unhealthy relationship, one is trying to swim, while the other clings to the stronger one, causing both of them to risk drowning. The strong one eventually frees him or herself and begins to swim. The other must then start swimming too, or else will sink (or tread water until someone else comes long). In an extremely unhealthy relationship, no one swims, both cling and blame the other for getting nowhere, and both drown.

Setting healthy boundaries means giving the clear message that you cannot/will not be responsible for the other person. It means claiming the right to say truthfully how you feel about things, and being honest about what you want to do, and what you do not want to do. It means being able to be honest, without having to deal with the hurt feelings or anger of another, simply because you feel how you feel.

We do not own others, and we cannot tell them how to think, feel or act. It is unfair to be mad at someone because they are who they are, and NOT who you want them to be. If you try to be who someone else wants you to be, then you are like a dog that is trying to be a cat. It won’t work for long.

If we could all truly be ourselves, then it might be that we find we really do not like the ‘real’ friend or partner we have, or they may not like us. We may even have to part ways. However, everyone would be free to attract those who like them just as they are. That sounds a whole lot easier (and healthier) than struggling to change each other, or spending endless hours negotiating your right to be who you are.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

Many people are victims of emotional blackmail and do not even realize it. Emotional blackmail is when others try to hold us responsible for how they will feel if we do not do what they want:

“Sure, go out with your friends and leave me here all alone with nothing to do.”
“ You want to go back to work and become one of those career women who doesn’t care about her husband or children anymore?”
“If you really love me, you’ll know what to do.”

People who use emotional blackmail are those who wish to control others to ensure their own happiness. People who are susceptible to this blackmail are those who care about others, and do not want to appear selfish or thoughtless. They are also individuals who are sensitive to criticism. They end up very stressed and anxious because of the ongoing internal battle between what they want for themselves, and what others want of them.

Unfortunately, the emotional blackmailers have attached themselves in a codependent way to their victim. They have unmet needs that they expect their victim to fill. Perhaps they need to feel important: the center of someone’s universe. Maybe their self-image is tied up in another’s response to them.

If one’s image of a good Mother demands that her children honor her in a certain fashion on Mother’s day, she may lay a guilt trip if they only send a card.

If a man’s image of a good husband and provider means that his wife will be content in a supporting role rather than pursuing her own interests, he may use a variety of tactics to make her feel bad when she starts developing outside interests.

If a girlfriend’s insecurity demands that her boyfriend only have interest in her, she may feel threatened when he wants to spend time with friends.

A Mother who believes her worth is measured by how much her daughter confides in her, will act hurt and abandoned when the daughter stops telling her everything.

Emotional blackmailers need to learn to stop controlling others through guilt, and to accept them as they are. They need to realize that no one is obliged to fill their emotional needs.

Those who are victims need to begin setting boundaries, explaining that they must live their own lives free of the constant evaluation by another. They will show their love, support or friendship in their own ways, not according to the rules of another.

Trying to set clear boundaries with an emotional blackmailer is challenging, for they will up the ransom. However, once they realize that the blackmail will not work, they may voluntarily surrender to a more healthy way of relating.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

In some relationships seems hard to express who we are and what we need, without the other becoming offended. Some individuals are what we call ‘co-dependent’, meaning that they hold others responsible for their happiness. If you are not behaving in the ways they want you to, they become upset.

You end up spending a lot of time trying to justify your feelings and your actions. Ultimately, it may seem that no matter how much you give, change or try to accommodate, it is never enough. You end up feeling guilty just for being you!

What is the best way to handle this kind of relationship? The most important task for you is to begin to set clear boundaries. You need to pull back a little, separating yourself from the needs of the other person.

We are here to live our own lives. Our presence may complement another’s life, but we cannot fulfill what is missing for someone else.

Imagine that you and the other person are in the middle of a lake, and you must swim to shore. In a healthy relationship, you swim side by side sometimes, and other times one or the other may swim ahead.

You each take responsibility yourselves for getting to shore and may choose to keep each other company on the way. In an unhealthy relationship, one is trying to swim, while the other clings to the stronger one, causing both of them to risk drowning.

The strong one eventually frees him or herself and begins to swim. The other must then start swimming too, or else will sink (or tread water until someone else comes long). In an extremely unhealthy relationship , no one swims, both cling and blame the other for getting nowhere, and both drown.

Setting healthy boundaries means giving the clear message that you cannot/will not be responsible for the other person. It means claiming the right to say truthfully how you feel about things, and being honest about what you want to do, and what you do not want to do. It means being able to be honest, without having to deal with the hurt feelings or anger of another, simply because you feel how you feel.

We do not own others, and we cannot tell them how to think, feel or act. It is unfair to be mad at someone because they are who they are, and NOT who you want them to be.

If you try to be who someone else wants you to be, then you are like a dog that is trying to be a cat. It won’t work for long.

If we could all truly be ourselves, then it might be we find we really do not like the ‘real’ friend or partner we have, or they may not like us. We may even have to part ways. However, everyone would be free to attract those who like them just as they are. That sounds a whole lot easier (and healthier) than struggling to change each other, or spending endless hours negotiating your right to be who you are.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

Codependency and Projection MP3

“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility .” ~ George Levinger

Financial issues can be one of the major stressors in marital relationships. Often this happens because the couple has not had an in-depth discussion and come to an agreement about how the family finances will be managed.

Will there be a joint account, or will individual finances be kept separate? How will the living expenses be shared? How will decisions be made about major purchases?

Will each individual have some funds for discretionary spending?

If these issues are not addressed many conflicts will arise. In some cases the man says since he earns the money, he has control over it. The woman is given grocery money, but has to ask when she needs to make other purchases. Often she is questioned about how she used up the money so fast.

Or it may happen that the man uses all of his paycheck to support the family, while his working spouse uses hers to buy things for herself. Or one may go out and make major purchases without checking with the other.

Resentments over finances will spill over to other areas of the relationship. A healthy relationship is based on a sense of equality, and the ability to resolve issues in ways that leave both individuals feeling heard, valued and satisfied.

If you are unable to reach agreement on how finances will work in your relationship, rather than enduring years of struggle, it may be wise to get professional help so you can get things on a healthy track. You might be amazed at the positive effects this has on the entire relationship.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codependency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

“Don’t wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you’ve got to make yourself.” ~ Alice Walker

Do you expect your partner to make you happy? If you do, you could be setting your relationship up for failure. Somehow we are able to let go of the Tooth Fairy and Santa, but we still want to hold on to the knight in shining armor or the beautiful maiden who will make our dreams come true.

On a deeper level it may be that we expect our partner to provide all of the loving, nurturing and support that we may not have received from our parents, and may not be getting out in the world. Many relationship difficulties can be traced to an ongoing struggle, like a tug-o-war, where each is trying to get the other to be the caregiver. This may be happening on a subconscious level, while on a conscious level it may manifest as arguments about who should get the groceries, or someone spending too much time in front of the T.V. set.

Part of the problem is that with our pace of life, we do not take enough time to nurture ourselves. If our emotional tank is running on low. then we just want someone to fill it up. We may end up siphoning from one another, until both are running on empty.

While there are certainly times when one is able and willing to be the giver, while the other blissfully receives, it is important that both partners take some responsibility for their own wellbeing. This might mean taking care of ourselves physically, with proper rest, diet and exercise, so that we can maximize our energy level. It might mean tending to our spiritual side, and staying in touch with what life is about. It could also mean doing the things we love to do individually. Too often people gradually give up things that they love because their partner doesn’t.

When we start out in a new relationship, we put a lot of effort into showing the other how wonderful we are. It can be hard to keep this up, so we begin to slip a little, but continue to expect (admit it) the other to continue being totally wonderful, and to compensate for whatever our lives might be lacking.

The real key to our happiness is to put ourselves in charge of it. Do some things that make you feel terrific. Energize yourself and vow to get the most out of life, regardless of how others approach it. The good times with your partner can be the icing on the cake: delightful to have, always tasting like more, important for sure, but not the only source of your happiness. This way, you both can bring more into the partnership, and there is more to draw on in time of need.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Communication in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Attracting an Ideal Mate
Relationship Healing

Naturally, in my work I hear many stories of abusive relationships. I am familiar with many of the dynamics that operate in such situations.

One of these, which is somewhat puzzling, is the extent to which women will go to protect their abusive partners. Even though a woman may be intelligent and assertive in other areas of her life, she often completely backs off this one. If she has bruises or broken bones, it’s pretty obvious. However, if the abuse is psychological, then it’s easier to hide.

Repeatedly, I hear of men who are highly regarded in the outside world, well liked and even admired. At home it is a different story. It is almost as though they work so hard being good, helpful, and accommodating everywhere else, and then home is the only place that they can release their tensions and frustrations. To an extent, that could be true of everyone.

What I am talking about here is someone who behaves in truly abusive ways at home, to the extent that friends and colleagues would be shocked if they really knew what was going on. I am talking about behavior that is mean, controlling, bullying and intimidating. I am talking about behavior that leaves a woman feeling devastated and worthless.

Like the child who protects the abusive parent, the woman keeps her secret. Partly, she is too embarrassed to admit to others that she allows herself to be treated this way. She is also afraid that if she tells others, her abusive partner would be devastated.

Perhaps it would even have adverse implications for his career. Friends may no longer like him, because of the way he treats his wife and children. No matter how badly he has treated her, she feels that she just could not expose him.

If the abuse has gone on long enough, he may even have her convinced that his abusive behavior is her fault. She knows that if she tells, then it could mean the end of the relationship. She may secretly wish for this, but then must deal with the fear of being alone and supporting herself. She fears she may lose the home, and worries about the children. Consequently she feels trapped.

The abusive behavior continues, and she slowly loses first her sense of self, and then her health. Or perhaps one day she has had enough, and if he shoves her or hits her she calls 911.

Interestingly, these same women have undoubtedly done a good job of teaching their children about sexual abuse and they have reinforced the importance of telling someone if you are being abused. Well, the same thing goes for physical and emotional abuse. If we don’t tell someone, the abusive behavior continues. Children experience things that they should not. Women put all of their energy into survival, and have none left for growth. No wonder they become tired and depressed.

If you are in an abusive situation, tell someone. Tell your friend, your doctor, your family or a therapist. Abusers do not need protection, they need help. Telling someone is the first step.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3