Blog - Page 49 of 50 - Gwen Randall-Young

Ask Gwen: Recovering from procrastination?

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

Ask Gwen: Recovering from procrastination?

Dear Gwen, what is the first step in recovering from procrastination?

Gwen’s Answer:

The first step in recovering from procrastination is to take the first step. Really. Generally, when we procrastinate, the problem is just getting started. Once we get into the task, we can usually make progress. Procrastination is avoidance. If a job needs to be done, we cannot wait until we “feel” like doing it. We just ask ourselves what the first step would be in doing the job, and then take that step. Usually, the rest will follow.

Building Motivation Releasing Procrastination MP3

What is depression?

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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What is depression? Is it someone who tries to retain their feelings or someone who is in *too* much in touch with their feelings? I am the latter. Can that also be depression?

Gwen’s Answer:

Good question. When one is depressed, they generally feel very sad, unmotivated, negative, discouraged or even hopeless.

One could say he or she is very much in touch with these feelings. Continuing to focus on such feelings increases the depression. Unfortunately, where there is a biochemical basis for depression, it is very difficult to alter these thoughts, or pay less attention to the feelings. Therapy, or medication and therapy together can be very helpful.

One who is “too much” in touch with feelings may be highly sensitive, or a “feeling type” personality. This, in itself, would not constitute depression, as we would expect the individual to be just as “in touch” with positive feelings as with the negative ones.

Someone who tries to retain or hold back their feelings may be emotionally reserved, blocked or simply not in touch with their feelings. This does not mean the person is depressed, even though the emotions are repressed. Such an individual could be depressed, acting out the denied feelings through various addictive behaviors.

Healing Depression MP3

Ask Gwen: Forgive and Trust Yourself

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Gwen; How do you forgive yourself, trust yourself, and learn to love yourself? How do you open yourself to the love of your partner, family and friends? I want to believe that love is truly there and that I am worthy of it.

Gwen’s Answer:

This is a good question, as many struggle with the same issues. Forgiving yourself and trusting yourself in the end comes down to a decision. Yes, after all the internal mind-wrestling with whatever has caused you to feel guilt or unworthiness, one day you must simply decide that you will no longer devalue yourself. You must decide that from this day onward, you will no longer entertain self-critical or self-judgmental thoughts. Visualize all that is negative evaporating from your consciousness, leaving only a loving open heart.

Once you have made this decision, you will have to practice every day. Those negative beliefs can be stubborn, but each time one tries to sneak in, replace it with a positive one. Once you learn to love yourself, you will feel the love of others that was there all along.

(Note: My healing MP3s are designed to remove old programming that no longer serves us, and to replace it with new, empowering ones. “Raising Self-Esteem” would be particularly helpful here.)

Raising Self-Esteem MP3

Ask Gwen: Forgiveness and moving on

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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You have written about forgiveness and giving yourself permission to move on. You make it sound like a simple choice. I wonder how to deal with living with having made a terrible choice in the first place – one that caused others great pain. Making the choice to forgive myself does not seem appropriate. How can someone move forward in life when they feel responsible for causing pain to others?

Gwen’s Answer:

Forgiving ourselves or others does not mean that what was done was okay. We accept responsibility for what we did, express our regret and make amends if that is possible. Forgiveness simply means that we acknowledge our errors, take the learning from the situation, vow to operate in future from our highest selves, and then move on. It means we have done all we can now, so we stop beating ourselves up.

Continuing to berate ourselves, feel guilty, worthless, or bad does not serve anyone, and cannot change things. Honor all the good that exists in you, and you can aim to balance out the pain you may have caused others by doing things now to help others whenever you can.

Detoxify Your Body and Mind MP3

Ask Gwen: Abusive Father

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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I grew up with an verbally, mentally and physically abusive father. He’s still alive and I do not have a relationship with him. I’m close to 55 years old and am still stuck with his opinions of myself. I have done tons of reading and intellectually understand what is happening but it is still in my gut. I know that even when he dies I will still have this to deal with. If I know he is going to be at the nursing home where my mom is I still feel sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing him. How can I stop this? How can I stop being afraid of life? How can I get going? I’ve been through 2 marriages and am alone now. I am not sure why I’m here.

Gwen’s Answer:

My dear, you must do some work with a good therapist. It is so difficult to heal this on your own. You have been traumatized, and brainwashed into thinking of yourself in a negative way. It is good that you have done so much reading, and understand, intellectually, how you have been affected. So much of the kind of negativity you experienced as a child is stored at a subconscious level, and it is hard to access that by ourselves, with our intellect.

Your inner child is still suffering, even though your mature adult side wants to move on. A compassionate therapist can help you with this, as well as in dealing with your feelings about your marriages. It is highly possible that you are suffering from depression as well, which would be understandable given your background. A talk with your family doctor might be in order, and he or she could likely refer you to a therapist as well. Do not be discouraged, because if you seek out the help you need, you will eventually feel much better, and will be able to begin to live the life you were meant to live.

Healing Your Inner Child MP3

Ask Gwen: Kids and new spouses after divorce

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Ask Gwen: Kids and new spouses after divorce

I have two teenage children. Communicating to them is tough, I feel I am a good mom. I resent the fact that my ex-husband seems to keep butting into our lives. They are close with their father. I don’t think its necessary that he knows how I spend the child support. I don’t appreciate when he tells me how to budget better.

I’m getting married to a wonderful man. We’ve been together for 9 years. The children are very critical of him and this hurts. He will not standby and listen to the kids putting me down. I try to help them and be by their side to help them what ever happens. I love my children. But it really hurts when their step-mom gets a card for mother’s day and I get a phone call to say Happy Mothers Day. Even if they would make one on the computer I would be happy. I feel the kids do not love me they seem to be always putting me down and I really get hurt by this. I know I am the parent but I really feel their father thinks he has to be in our faces constantly or when it’s convenient for him. Thank you for letting vent.

Gwen’s Answer:

You are in a tough spot. Sounds like your ex does not have a positive attitude towards you, and this may be rubbing off on your teens. If your new partner comes down hard on them when they are rude, they will dislike him. If they feel you are siding with him against them, they will feel betrayed. If you express disappointment over things like cards, suggest they do not love you, or act hurt by their behaviours, they will feel guilty and that leads to resentment. If you are critical of their father, whom they love, they will resent that also.

It may sound like a losing battle, but it is not. In fact, it should not be a battle at all. First, there needs to be an end to polarity. The good-guy bad-guy thing only creates pain. Competition with a stepmom does the same thing. The only answer is to build a strong, loving relationship with your teens. You need to make some one-on-one time to really listen to their concerns, without judging or defending.

Ask them what they think would make things better at your house. Listen with your heart. Pretend you are them. Think how you would feel in their places. You and your partner need to model the behaviors you want to see in them. Spend some time doing some fun things with them: if you can share some happy times their warm feelings will come out more.

Remember that the teen years can be difficult. While there need to be firm boundaries about acceptable behaviors, we must remember not to take their moods or comments personally. They need your love all the time, but especially when they are ‘unlovable’. If you can relax and not make too many things ‘issues’, I think you will find they will grow out of this stage, and you will still be able to have a healthy, loving relationship with them.

Ask Gwen: Daughter feels lost

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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I have a 16 year old daughter who is a good kid but is really lost right now. She’s always been very sensitive, emotional, a bit high strung, andmakes friends easily but also loses them easily (possibly has some ADD but not severely?). My ex is a very hands off father & my spouse is quite cold to her (have tried working this out but so far no luck). In the past few months she has had issues with school, losing jobs, drugs, alcohol etc. How can I help her feel better about herself & work towards a better future for herself?

Gwen’s Answer:

You are right- your daughter is really lost right now. I would be worried given what you have described. I would get her in for some professional counselling as soon as possible. She needs to get back on track and she will need some support to do it. Her issues are deeper than it might seem, so she needs a good therapist with whom she can connect and really talk about what is going on.

Ask Gwen: Future Outlook

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Future outlook for living. (Recently Widowed Husband)

Gwen’s Answer:

I, along with, I am sure, the visitors on this site extend our condolences and loving thoughts your way. It is both sorrowful and disorienting to lose a partner: it is like losing a part of yourself. In the beginning it can be hard to imagine life without your mate. Some people even feel they do not want to go on living.

Although there will always be pain in your heart, with time the pain will not be as intense. You still have your own life journey to continue, and you cannot know what that will be like. When we are grieving, we cannot imagine the future could be good, or that we will ever be happy again. We know, however, that many widows and widowers have gone on to experience many good things in life.

The most important thing for you right now is to be with other people. At first you can allow them to comfort and support you. In time, as you gain strength, you can look for ways to comfort and support others. Your life still has value, even though its focus will have to change.

Just remember that your partner would not want you to suffer too long, and wants you to enjoy the years ahead. Just take one day at a time, and trust that the future will unfold in a good way for you.

Ask Gwen: Enjoy Life Again

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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Widow of 2 years – cannot seem to enjoy life the same – hoping for some insight into loving again.

Gwen’s Answer:

Losing a partner is a devastating life change. Not only do we lose the companionship in the present, but all of the future hopes, plans and dreams as well. Suddenly, it can seem like you are back at “square one,” having to start all over again.

When we have a first baby, there is so much love for that little one, it is hard to imagine we could love the next one as much. The same can be true when we lose our loving partner. It can be hard to imagine we could ever love again.

As time passes, and we move through the grieving process, we do begin to heal. As the healing progresses, we realize we are a different person than we were before our loss. We will never be the same as we were. In some ways however, we may realize we are stronger, more independent than we ever imagined we could be.

No one can ever replace the one we have lost, or the life we had planned together. That does not mean we cannot, or will not love again. Before our first love came into our lives, we could not have imagined what that person would be like, or that there would be a mutual attraction.

The same is true each time love graces our lives. It is natural to feel sorrow and to go through a kind of “dark night of the soul” when we have lost a partner. However, if we enjoyed sharing life and miss the companionship of another, there will come a time in the healing process when our hearts can open to love once again.

Although the life of a partner may have ended, our life still goes on. Undoubtedly, our partner would want us to be happy, and it is not a betrayal to move into a new chapter in our lives. In fact, choosing to enter a relationship again is a compliment to our beloved.

Ask Gwen: Cheating Husband

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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I am about to separate and at the age of 57, I feel hurt and alone. My husband has been cheating on me after 3 years of marriage. How do I find that trust in a man again and how will I know when I find that person?

Gwen’s Answer:

This is such a painful experience and my heart goes out to you. When one has been let down in this way, it can be hard to trust again. Here are some clues to watch for.

If a man is cheating on someone else when he starts his relationship with you, it’s a good bet he will cheat on you someday. The same is true if he has cheated on a previous partner. Watch out if a man sees women primarily as sex objects and is less interested in other important aspects of relationship, such as good communication.

If he shows a lack of integrity in other areas of his life, he may not have the strength of character you desire in a mate. If he lies to you, red flags should go up.

If you meet someone who could be a potential partner, ask if he is monogamous in relationships. Tell him that is a non-negotiable requirement for you. If his past relationships have been monogamous, and he is of good moral character, that’s about as good as you can get in a world where there are no guarantees.