Ask Gwen: Attracted to another man


girl on phoneI have been having a very difficult time staying in my marriage lately, I am very attracted to another man. I have always been faithful to our marriage of 15 years. I don’t understand why I am having these feelings after all these years, I’ve only known this other man for about a year.

Gwen’s Answer:

It is not uncommon after 15 years for an individual to seek to have needs met outside the marriage. Often couples have begun to take each other for granted, or have been busy raising children, and have lost the intimate connection they once had. If a third party begins to show interest, it is easy to gravitate towards that interest, like a flower leaning into the sun.

People change over the course of 15 years, and we may have evolved in a different direction from our spouse. The grass begins to look greener out there, and of course there is the excitement of a new attraction. I think, however, we owe it to our partner to explore the areas of unmet needs, to see if anything can be done to revitalize the marriage. This is especially true if there are children involved.

It is easy to be mesmerized by a few qualities in a new person, and to overlook the enduring good qualities of our partner. Sometimes a third party is just a catalyst to remind us of what we need to rekindle in our marriage.

If the marriage cannot be saved, it is healthier to end it for reasons of irreconcilable differences before beginning a new relationship. In a situation like yours, I would definitely suggest you go for counselling by yourself first, so you can get some clarity about what you are doing, and what you really want.

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