Blog - Page 5 of 50 - Gwen Randall-Young

The Hardest Part of Love is Letting Go

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2021

The hardest part of loving is letting go. It is hard, because love makes us want to hold on. Well actually, it is not the love that makes us hold on, it is the fear of losing it.

When we love someone, or something, that presence in our lives makes us happy. We never want it to go away. However, nothing is permanent, so eventually we must deal with the changes that time brings.

As parents, we wish our children would not grow up so fast. For the most part, this is because when they are little, they are so cute and adorable. Another, perhaps more unsettling reason is that when they grow up, we get older! Eventually they will leave us, and an important part of life will be behind us.

Eventually they may be physically more separate, but their love can still be with us. We have to let them go, and we cannot demand to be a part of their lives. If it happens, its wonderful, but the love we hold for them should not depend on how much they do for us, or how much time they spend with us.

We let go of the child, but not the love. Sometimes, in friendships and relationships, the love does go away. Things change, and the feelings are not the same. This is when letting go gets really difficult.

If you are the one who still wants the relationship, you feel the pain of rejection and abandonment. If you are the one who needs to let it go, then you may carry the burden of responsibility for the pain of the other.

The irony is that if we truly love another human being, we must release him or her when it is time for them to go. We must do this whether they are moving on within this world, or beyond it. We really have little control over the itinerary of another soul’s journey.

We may promise to love forever, or never to leave, but life sometimes has a way of changing our plans. We would be so much better off if we assumed that children, friends or partners will not always be with us. We would probably value them more, be more individually self-sufficient and be less devastated when the happily- ever- after fantasy ends.

In a sense we are like flowers in a garden: we are born, we blossom, and ultimately die, all in our own time. We share a journey in space and time. We can neither stand still, nor hold another still for more than a fleeting moment.

That is why we must celebrate the moments, both painful and joyful. The only way to avoid pain is not to feel. But that would be to never know love. When we let go, we are empty handed, but an empty hand is one ready to receive. And so it goes.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

Did You Hear the Rumor?

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 27, 2021

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I heard a rumor the other day that I was moving to a different city. A few years ago there was a rumor that I was not taking any new clients. Neither of these is true, but it got me thinking about rumors—how they start and how they spread.

It reminds me of the game we played when I was young called “pass the word.”

A group of children would sit in a circle, and one would whisper something into their neighbor’s ear. That one would whisper it to the next, and it would be passed around the circle. The last one to receive the message stated it aloud. Then the originator would say what actually had been said, and there would be gales of laughter at how distorted the message had become. It was a child’s game, but there is so much we can learn from it.

How often do we ask ourselves, when we pass on something we have heard, whether or not it is true? I have worked with many high school students who have been devastated by rumors they have heard about themselves. They are devastated because rumors are so hard to refute. You could never reach all the people who have heard the rumor and believe it. Even if you could, there is no guarantee they would believe you when you say it is not true.

Sadly, gossip and rumor spreading do not end with high school. Some seem to make it a lifetime hobby, without even thinking about how they are compromising their integrity. To gossip about someone behind their back whilst being warm and friendly in their presence is two-faced. To spread damaging rumors without absolute knowledge that they are true, whether you know the person or not, is insidious.

If someone shares something with us in conversation, confidential or not, does that give us the right to repeat it to someone else? I do not really think it does, for then it becomes gossip. Perhaps we would be wise to live by the words of Albert Einstein: “great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

Related MP3s Available:

Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Your Authentic Self
Healing Your Inner Child
Raising Self-Esteem

Communication in Relationships MP3

Ask Gwen: Get my partner on board?

Gwen Randall-Young

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March 24, 2021

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I have been going to therapy for a while to work on some of my childhood issues and it has been helping. I am excited to make some changes in my life, but I notice my partner does not share my enthusiasm and gets mad at all of my suggestions. How do I get them to be on board with changing?

Gwen’s Answer:

This is a question that comes up a lot. Spiritual/personal growth is about changing ourselves, not attempting to change others. Sometimes when one starts to grow she is eager to make her partner more like her. This often comes across, or is interpreted as judgment and criticism. The partner may feel scared, threatened or defensive. Basically the message is I have found the way and you should follow. If you have ever been pressured to sign up for multi-level marketing you know what this feels like.

Whatever happens in a relationship is co-created. Both partners contribute to a positive or negative process. It is best to lead by example rather than trying to renovate a person. If we create positive changes in ourselves, that will change the relationship.

If there are major differences it is better to seek counselling than to try to fight it out yourselves. In the meantime treat your partner as you would like to be treated: with respect, love, compassion and understanding. This is where your real growth happens.

Communication in Relationships MP3

Mid-Life Crisis, or Growth Spurt?

Gwen Randall-Young

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March 17, 2021

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“Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third” ~ Marge Piercy

Often as a woman reaches her forties, and her children are a little more independent, she feels a desire to explore new paths. She may get involved in fitness, artistic pursuits, a new job, or a spiritual journey.

This happens because while raising children the focus is so much more on home and family, so a woman’s own interests are often set aside. Another factor is that a woman is much different at mid-life than she was in her twenties. She has gained wisdom and experience, and perhaps even confidence. She may feel that she wants to spread her wings, and experience more of what is in the world.

Understandably, this change can be difficult for her husband. He has known her for many years and thinks he knows what to expect. When she starts going off in a different direction he may feel confused, threatened or even afraid.

Often the defensive response when these emotions come up involves putting down or criticizing what she is doing, making sarcastic comments, speaking negatively of her new friends, or becoming more controlling of her time. This will only serve to create distance in the relationship, and drive her further away. What began as a normal growth spurt evolves into a mid-life crisis.

It does not have to be this way. Recognize that many women have a strong need and the energy to begin new pursuits at mid-life. Yes, it is a little scary because she will undoubtedly change somewhat. The best approach is to be interested in what she is learning or doing, and to encourage and support her. If she invites you to join her, do it! This approach allows you to stay connected to her, and perhaps even to grow and change yourself.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Growing Younger
Improving Your Memory
Heal Your Body
Your Authentic Self
A World of Kindness

Emotional Peace from within

Gwen Randall-Young

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March 6, 2021

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The most valuable commodity in the world is inner peace. Health, wealth, fame or fortune cannot be enjoyed or appreciated when life is filled with emotional turbulence. Yet, we are human, and things happen in life.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, determination, and affirmations, we find ourselves caught up in an emotional reaction to a person or situation. If only things would just turn out right, and people would behave as expected, then we could be at peace, or so we think. The problem with this thinking is that we are waiting for things to be peaceful on the outside before we can be peaceful on the inside. Actually, it works the other way around. When we create stillness and calm within, then our lives become more peaceful.

Emotional upset occurs when things do not go the way we want them to. Struggle is created when we try to ‘make’ things go the way we want them to. Emotional peace, on the other hand, comes when we learn to accept things as they are, and let go of our need to control them. Of course this does not mean that we put up with abuse or inappropriate behavior. It does mean that we are more accepting of things we cannot change, more respectful of boundaries (ours and other’s), and more realistic. Sometimes we just have to accept people and situations as they are, and sometimes we have to bless them and move on. If we know a situation or relationship is not good for us, we cannot hope to find peace until we do something about it. In the meantime, we can still cultivate emotional peace.

Imagine a beautiful, peaceful sanctuary. Think of it as a safe, healing place. Hold it in your consciousness, perhaps in your heart, and, quieting the mind, go there regularly. When you practice this often, you come to know that peace is always a choice. A well of peace exists within me, and I can choose to be there any time. Emotional turbulence is generally fuelled by thoughts, so if we just stop the thoughts for a time and drop into this peaceful space, we see that it is the ego-mind that is having the problem. Without the thoughts, peace returns. Achieving emotional peace does not mean that everything in life has finally settled into a state of perfection. Nothing does. It means that we have freed ourselves from the entrapment of the mind, we are no longer held hostage by our thoughts. We can observe them, see them for what they are, and then let them go. We will still have to deal with the stuff of life, but then we can step back into our place of peace. Practice this, and notice how much more peaceful your life becomes, both inside and out.

Need help visualizing your peaceful place? Try Gwen’s Hypnosis tracks. Download them here-

Perfect Relaxation MP3

Bad Mood? How Not to Take It Out On Others

Gwen Randall-Young

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February 28, 2021

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Bad Mood? How Not to Take It Out On Others

“Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf ” ~ Jonatan Mårtensson

It is easy, when we are feeling grouchy, to take it out on those around us. Unfortunately, it usually tends to be those to whom we are closest. What makes it confusing for them is that we usually do not tell them why we are reacting negatively to them.

Instead, we criticize or attack them for something they say or do, or neglect to do. Often this comes at them from out of the blue, and they are puzzled, hurt or angry at the way we are talking to them. Rather than owning what it is that is troubling us, we push that into the background, and make another person “the problem.”

Perhaps this is in part denial of our own feelings. We may be angry at or disappointed in ourselves, but rather than deal with that we transfer those feelings to another. They may well then respond with hurt or anger, which makes us feel even worse. Soon a downward, negative spiral is occurring, creating even more levels of hurt and anger. The fallout can last for days.

This could all be avoided if we recognize when we are in a “bad mood” and make a conscious effort not to vent it on others. Taking some time alone to figure out just what is bothering us, and applying a little “mental first-aid” before interacting with others can be helpful.

Letting others know that we are grumpy and that it has nothing to do with them gives them a heads-up so they do not take our mood personally and react negatively to it. They may even show compassion and caring which can help to improve the way we are feeling.

Despite our best intentions, we may find ourselves in mid-vent towards another before we realize what we are doing. Even if we do not realize it until we are done, it is important to apologize to the other, letting them know we are sorry and they did not deserve the response we gave them. This will help to minimize damage to them and to the relationship. They will respect us for it, and we will have more respect for ourselves. (Recommended self-help audio: Mood Therapy and Releasing Anger.)

Related MP3s Available:

Releasing Anger
Mood Therapy
Releasing Anxiety
Positive Thinking
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Healing the Past

Releasing Anger MP3

Teens Understanding Parents

Gwen Randall-Young

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February 15, 2021

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“Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn’t have anything to do with it”. ~Haim Ginott

I write a lot about parents understanding their teens, so this time it is going to be about teens understanding their parents. When things are not going well, teens often think the problem lies solely with the parents. They can rattle of a list of all the things their parents do that are unfair, or drive them crazy.

They often do not have any perspective about their own behavior, and how it may be contributing to the problem. Granted, this is something that comes with maturity, but I do think teens are smart and do have the capacity to evolve to a higher level of functioning. So this is for them.

First of all, it is important to know that every situation is co-created by the parties involved. This means that both parties are contributing something in order to create the present outcome. You can focus on wanting parents to be different, but another way to change the situation is to change your own behavior. You can recognize that if you are sullen and withdrawn, and only give parents one word answers, they will interpret this as rejection, disrespect or anger, even if this is not what you intend.

It is a parent’s responsibility to look out for your welfare, that is why they set rules. It is not their intention to ruin your life or make you miserable. It is a big responsibility to raise a child, and they do not want to fail. If they do not set expectations for school performance, or they give you too much freedom, their fear is that you will sabotage your future. They realize that what is fun at sixteen can result in life being limited and stressful when you are forty. What happens between the ages of say fifteen to twenty-two determines the kind of life you will have for the rest of your days.

When you get mad at them for setting restrictions and make them feel like terrible people, this makes them sad and frustrated. People who do not really care about their children let them do whatever they want. Your parents set limits because they do care.

There will be times when you want to discuss and extend the limits. If you have demonstrated mature and responsible behavior, you can approach them to have a discussion about the issue. A discussion is not simply pleading your case. It is listening to their concerns, and explaining to them how you intend to uphold the values and behaviors they have taught you.

If it seems impossible to have reasonable discussions or much communication at all, family counseling can often ease these challenging years for all.

Related MP3s Available:

Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Healing Depression
Raising Self-Esteem
Love Your Body Love Yourself
Thinking for Yourself (Empowerment for Youth)

Thinking for Yourself MP3

Anger Hurts Children

Gwen Randall-Young

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January 15, 2021

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As I write this I am thinking about children – children from the tiniest babies to the almost-adult teenagers. I am thinking about how devastating it is for a child to be a recipient of a parent’s anger, regardless of what they have done to trigger it.

Of course there are times we must reprimand them. Naturally they will cause us frustration. We cannot be perfect parents all the time. However, we must realize the power we possess to frighten little children, to permanently damage a child’s self-esteem, to make a child hurt or hate herself, or to crush a developing spirit. No human being deserves this.

No amount of frustration or impatience on our parts can justify this. If a parent cannot control his or her anger, or is having difficulty managing a child, taking parenting classes or seeking professional help is in order.

The angriest young people tend to be the ones with angry parents. Young people who hurt others are those who have been hurt physically or emotionally at home. Those who have no respect for authority or societal values are often those who were not shown respect when they were growing.

How we treat our children matters. It matters to them, it will matter to their children, and to the whole of society. We are responsible for how the next generation will function in the world – and that is something that we should not take lightly.

Related MP3s Available:

My Special Friends (for Children)
Go Away Monster! (for Young Children)
Releasing Anxiety
Stop Worrying and Start Enjoying Life
Thinking for Yourself (Empowerment for Youth)

My Special Friends MP3

Why Parents Nag

Gwen Randall-Young

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January 7, 2021

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No one likes to be nagged, and kids tell me they hate it when their parents do it.

They are surprised when I suggest that perhaps they are the ones who trained their parents in the fine art of nagging. Read the following, and see if perhaps you have unwittingly created the nagging monsters in your life.

The first thing you must do is to repeatedly forget basic things that you should be doing at your age. This might include teeth brushing, hair combing, bathing, or doing homework.. Never do it until you are told. Three times.

Do things you should not be doing even though you know it annoys your parents. Talking with your mouth full of food tops the list, but you can also consider leaving dishes lying about the house, forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge, walking on the carpet with dirty shoes, and annoying your siblings.

You can further increase your effectiveness as a nag-trainer by telling your parents you will do what they are asking “in a few minutes”, or “when my show/game/phone conversation is over.” Then don’t do it. When they ask again, repeat the previous step. You will have them nagging in no time.

If you are not miserable enough with the nagging you have generated, you can make things even more unpleasant by acting as though there is something wrong with your parents because they nag so much. Make faces and roll your eyes when they ask you to help out. Add a big sigh for effect.

Of course, you can see where this all is leading. It is the way to create stress, turmoil and unhappiness in the home. Conflict increases, fun decreases, and relationships suffer. It is all so unnecessary.

Life could be so much better, and nagging would virtually stop, if you would take a few simple steps. Do the things you are supposed to do before you are reminded. If asked to do something, do it right away. Then you can go back to what you were doing without being interrupted with reminders. Do a good job. And sometimes do something that is not your job, just because it needs doing.

Related MP3s Available:

My Special Friends (for Children)
Go Away Monster! (for Young Children)
A World of Kindness
Creating Balance in Your Life
Thinking for Yoursef (Empowerment for Youth)
Releasing Stress

My Special Friends MP3

Healthy Communication

kimtanasichuk

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July 21, 2020

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When we speak to another person, they receive two messages. One of the messages is sent in the words we have spoken. The other is in the way the message is delivered. The latter is often the clearest reflection of what is really going on inside of us.

We may snap at someone because we are upset with someone else. The message received by the one at whom we snapped is that we are unhappy with him or her. A partner may try to engage us in a serious conversation, but if we are holding some resentment towards that person, our body language or sarcastic tone will indicate that something is wrong. The problem is that our partner may be confused, thinking our issue is with the subject under discussion.

Ideally, communication is most effective when there is congruence between our words and our nonverbal cues. One aspect of maturity is taking care of our internal emotional environment, so it does not spill over onto others who have nothing to do with it.

When we are having issues with another, we must first consider whether the problem belongs with us, or with the other. We may be sad when our teenager would rather spend Saturday night with friends than with family. However, it is likely our problem-our reluctance to accept her development of a life separate from ours-and not something we can lay on her.

If we are snarky when we say goodbye as she leaves, we only succeed in delivering a guilt trip, and she will resent us for that. Far better to own up to our sadness that she is growing up, but to send her off with lots of love.

In order to prevent non-verbal messages from sabotaging our relationships we must first be clear with ourselves about what is going on. Then, we must strive to communicate clearly and directly to others, so there is at least an opportunity to deal openly with whatever we are feeling.

Another pitfall is expecting another to know how we feel. We may think it should be obvious to the other that they have said or done something to upset us. Then there is anger for the incident, and now anger that they did not realize how their words or actions affected us.

A variation of this theme is, “If you really loved me you would know.” This puts the other person in an impossible place. Our logic is that since they didn’t know, it proves they don’t love us! Other than reaffirming their love, how does one deal with this? Now that person is offended at the suggestion that they don’t love you when they really do. Although perhaps it is not conscious, this is quite a manipulative stance to take.

This is an inner child reaction, much as the young child might assert that mommy doesn’t love me because she wouldn’t give me what I want. If we have not healed our inner child issues, we will project them onto our partner. But that is another column.
(see my MP3 on Codependency and Projection.)