When is it Time to End the Relationship?

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When is it Time to End the Relationship?

“There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.”
~Tennessee Williams

Sometimes a relationship becomes so difficult that partners begin to question whether it is worth trying to save it. How do you know when it is time to quit?

There are some obvious indicators. If there is physical or emotional abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, or out-of-control addictions, and the partner refuses to get help, it is time to think about taking care of yourself. If the partner’s behaviors are having an ongoing negative impact on children, it is time to think about protecting them.

Sometimes the problems in a relationship are not as serious as those mentioned above, so making a decision becomes more difficult. Just because issues may not be deal-breakers in the classic sense, it does not mean one is not justified in leaving a relationship.

If there is constant arguing or frequent fighting, and things never seem to get resolved, one has to question if this is how he or she wants to live. If there is no involvement between the couples, no connection, no sharing of activities and no genuine expressions of love, then this is not a partnership in any sense. It is just two people living under the same roof. If both are fine with living like roommates, then it works for them. However, if one wants more, and the other is not willing to work on creating more, then there is hardly a reason to stay.

Some would cite vows made years before as a reason not to ever leave. Those vows included things like loving, honoring and cherishing one another. If the relationship has deteriorated to the extent that at least one of the partners feels it impossible to continue, then it seems the marriage vows were broken long before any talk of separation.

To stay in a situation that is stressful, conflicted, and depressing is harmful to one’s health. It literally can make a person ill. If you know inside that your relationship is destructive and all attempts to heal it have been unsuccessful, then sad as it may seem, it is time to move on.

There are many reasons that people stay in unhealthy relationships despite knowing it would be better for them to leave. Sometimes they fear what the partner would put them through. A partner may threaten that if you leave they will make sure you end up with nothing in terms of finances or property. A lawyer would never let this happen.
Sometimes the person who is suffering is insecure with low self-esteem. They worry that they will never find another partner. They worry what friends and family will think. These individuals need to make their own wellbeing a priority.

Then there is the justified worry about how the children will be affected. Over decades of doing therapy I have heard countless children say they wish their parents had separated sooner. Do not underestimate the harm that comes to children when there is conflict in the home, or the lack of warmth and humor that exists in a healthy family.

Living the Life We Have

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Living the Life We Have

“So many of us grown-ups suffer because we are trying to live the life we once had or the life we wish for.”
~ Daniel Gottlieb

It is true that we often hear ourselves or others lament the passing of what used to be. We wish we were younger, or at least looked or felt younger. We wish our investments were worth what they used to be. It was so much easier when the kids were small and they just did what we told them.

We may wish we still had that job, partner or the one who passed away. We may have liked it better where we used to live, or wish we lived somewhere else. Perhaps we want more money, or not to have to work so hard.

These yearnings for something other that what we have can create suffering because often, for one reason or another, we cannot change our circumstances. We can honor the gifts we have had. If we have wonderful memories of sweet times in our lives, that is something to be celebrated. If someone we love is no longer with us, we can cherish the experience with them, and feel blessed that we had that at all.

Sometimes the yearning is not for the past, but for what others have. We can feel that others are so lucky because they have more than we do. These feelings are also driven by our focus on what we think is lacking in our lives. We must remember that no one has a perfect life!

Focusing on and wishing for what is not there, blinds us to all that is there. Perhaps twenty years from now we will feel a longing for the way it is right now. I once had a poster on my office wall that said, “It’s not how much we have, but how much we enjoy that creates happiness.” There is a lot of wisdom in those words.

Rather than focusing on what is not there, we need to learn to savor and appreciate what we do have. We can take pleasure in a sunny day or the sound of birds singing. We can have gratitude for the fact that we are even able to see and hear.

It has been said that happiness is a choice. I believe that to be true. Even if we have struggles, we can still find things to be happy about, and focus on those. We cannot change the past or even sometimes present circumstances. What we can change is how we think.

Change negative thinking by stopping it as soon as you are aware of it, and replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Taking our attention away from what was or what we wish would be, and bringing it right into the present can have a major impact on our happiness. As Daniel Gottlieb says, “Life is much sweeter when we live the live we have.”

Relieving Stress Through Non-Attachment

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Relieving Stress Through Non-Attachment

“The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences.” ~ Hsin Hsin Ming

Think of how often we experience stress or anxiety about something that “might” happen. We worry that we will not get the promotion or the new job. We worry that the weather may turn bad for our weekend at the lake. We stress over whether the new relationship will work out, or if we will get everything done on our “to do” list.

The mind runs these “either/or”, or “what if?” scenarios over and over, for many, throughout their entire lives. Like watching a movie of our own creation, it is often catastrophic images that we see. Some “see” their children getting caught up in drug abuse, becoming pregnant, or being negatively influenced by others. These can be genuine worries, but over the years I have seen many parents live these fears when their children would never venture down those pathways.

Some envision their plane crashing, an operation going terribly wrong, or, despite adequate savings, seeing themselves ending up on the street. These kinds of images cause the body to react as though we were really living those terrors. Stress and anxiety overflow the system, causing the release of stress chemicals, and suppression of our immune systems.

This kind of “what if?” thinking creates an unsettled feeling that never allows for moving into a place of gentle peace and serenity. It prevents the true enjoyment of life.

It is actually the ego aspect of mind that gets attached to things happening the way it wants them to. This does make life difficult because there is so much over which we have no control. It may be attachment to our child being straight rather than gay, our adult children making more time for us despite their obviously busy lives, or wishing they had different careers, or partners

There is a better way. We can accept that many outcomes will be similar to a coin toss. It could go either way. What we need to do is to be prepared for, and okay with whatever outcome manifests. Yes, ego may be pulling for its preferred outcome, but at the level of our higher self, we can be like a parent watching a child hoping for things to turn out a certain way. The parent knows the child may be upset, but is prepared to coach him past the disappointment and switch the focus to something positive.

We cannot change the past, or sometimes even the present, and definitely cannot control the future. However, we can control how we think. Focusing on what is good in our lives, and changing our thinking are positive things over which we do have control.

Releasing the need to have everything turn out “okay,” but rather, to be determined that whatever the outcomes might be, that we will find a way to be okay.

Eliminating “Psychological Viruses”

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Eliminating “Psychological Viruses”

Like everyone else I have been thinking a lot about viruses. A virus gets into the body and then gets the body itself to produce more of the virus. This compromises the health of the one who has the virus. And, of course it can be passed on to others.

As a psychologist, I started thinking about what I call “psychological viruses.” Imagine a workplace where one person starts to spread gossip about another. One person tells another, and they tell two more, and on it goes.

Everyone who listens to the gossip gets the “virus” and they pass it on to everyone they tell. Let’s imagine the gossip is about the boss or manager.
Think of the workplace as an organism. The more “virus spread” in the organization, the sicker it gets.

Of course, there may be legitimate concerns and there are protocols for dealing with those. Often, however it is more a matter of not liking the person. The employees become like a classroom where everyone hates the teacher.

The problem is that the employees are not children, and this behavior starts looking like junior high girls ostracizing another. We hear a lot about bosses bullying, but not so much about employees acting like bullies.

The same thing can happen in a neighborhood. What good can possibly come from standing around trashing a neighbor?

Sadly, I saw this when I worked in the school system. If a teacher did not like a student, and made it quite obvious in remarks made to that student in front of the class, then the rest of the class felt being mean to that person was legitimized by the teacher.

This kind of polarized, good guy/bad guy thinking is ubiquitous in our society. It has toxic effects on the one being vilified, but also on the ones who are doing it.

Negative thinking has been shown to weaken the immune system. The body produces stress chemicals, like cortisol, and science has shown that after a negative episode, the immune system is suppressed for six to eight hours. Repeating the “story” causes another six to eight hours of immune system suppression.

Covid 19 has shown us how to prevent virus spread. The masks help reduce or eliminate passing on of the damaging virus. Imagine that we all wore “masks” that prevented us from passing on negative talk, and did not allow others negative comments to enter our system.

If you knew you had the corona virus, you would take great care not to pass it on to anyone. If one has the “gossip virus,” and refuses to pass any of it on, soon it is eliminated.
The “vaccine,” which we can administer to ourselves, is as old as the proverbial hills. The golden rule advises us to treat others the way we would like others to treat us.
My favorite though, is what I call the Bambi rule. Thumper’s mom told him, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Positive Side of The Pandemic

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Positive Side of The Pandemic

A pandemic is a horrible thing. It is frightening and dangerous. The whole world suddenly became vulnerable, and the world was not prepared. We have all been affected and feel compassion for all who have suffered due to illness, death, restrictions and financial impacts.

However, not all effects have been negative. Suddenly all the busyness in our lives came to an abrupt halt. Some were working from home and no longer had to rush in the mornings to get to work or fight rush hour traffic at the end of the day. (Some became busier with children at home, while also working.)

At the literal end of the day, when work stopped, there were no extra-curricular activities to juggle. We stayed home on the weekends when we might normally have been out socializing.

There was no preparing dinner for guests, or even attending (or hosting) birthday parties.

Our lives slowed down, and much of it stopped. It was like driving across the country when the car breaks down and we cannot go anywhere for days. We end up exploring a town or part of the country we would have whizzed past under normal circumstances. The rush to pack in so many hours of driving each day no longer existed. We just had to relax and wait.

So it has been with Covid 19. Nobody could go anywhere. We were told to stay home, and we did. We flattened the curve by doing so, and that was a very good thing.

In the meantime, many developed perspectives and awareness they did not have before.

Many were forced to look at the quality of the life they were living before the pandemic.

They saw the huge amount of stress that colored every day. For the first time ever, there was more family time, real quality time.

There have been more conversations with our children and partners. Yes, sometimes more conflict, but on the whole there has been time to strengthen connections, or even to create them where they did not exist before.

As we had more time to fill, many got back to old interests and hobbies, or created new ones.

There was an increase in baking and even making bread. There was time for creative pursuits, taking care of things around the house that had been ignored, maybe for years. As spring came, it was such a relief to get out of the house, so many threw themselves into gardening like never before.

I have talked to so many who have benefitted from slowing down, and have vowed to never get that busy again. They have discovered themselves in a way they say would never have happened if not for the pandemic.

More than ever we know how precious life is, and how it cannot be taken for granted. Maybe we have a deeper understanding of which things really matter. Perhaps we all need to look closely at our priorities. It might be that “back to normal” is not the best place to go.

COVID-19. What Now?

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COVID-19. What Now?

A reader asked if I could write something about how to move gently back into the world without feeling anxious, after all the changes brought by COVID-19.

This is an excellent question. We, and our world, will never be the same as before because we have been going through a trauma. It is not just the disease, but our faith in the economy, about being safe in the world, about being able to plan our future have all been shaken.

So many will have PTSD experiences. We will be more vigilant in terms of watching for new flu diseases cropping up around the world. Many will have an obsessive-compulsive reaction to germs. We learned to fear touching what others have touched, and even getting close to people.

Some will spend less. We learned to save “for a rainy day” but not a deluge that lasts for months. Others will no longer feel comfortable to travel. And there will be those who get anxious whenever they feel ill.

In time, however, those fears will subside. Some thirty years ago we had a severe tornado that created a swath of destruction across out city. It came within 1.2 miles of my home. The area near me looked like a war zone.

For decades, I had dreams of a sky full of tornadoes. Even this many years later, if the sky is black and stormy I am scanning the horizon for funnel clouds. Other than that, I hardly think of it.

Once we have a vaccine and a treatment for this virus, we will have a good deal of control over it. The more time that goes by without another pandemic, the less we will think or worry about it.

At the same time, the world will be significantly more prepared for future threats. There will be a huge reserve of personal protective equipment and ventilators. We did flatten the curve, but we were relatively slow to do the things to stop the spread.

If another virus like this appears, the whole world will take protective actions immediately. It is a little like having the virus and developing immunity. The world has had this pandemic experience and has developed many strategies for protecting itself.

Humans adapt and recover. I am reading Dr. Zhivago, and many sentiments expressed by people during the Russian Revolution are similar to today. Freedom of movement was curtailed and food was scarce. The people were in much more dire straits than we are.

There have been wars and famines throughout history. People find the strength to do what they have to do to survive. They help each other even when they have little themselves.

The pandemic is serious, but it is not the worst thing humans have lived through. Most of us have a roof over our head and food to eat. Know that we are strong.

Visualize your own strength, courage and good health. This has a huge impact on keeping your immune system strong. Fear weakens it, so don’t entertain fear thoughts. Remember, we are getting through this.

Writing Down Your Anger

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Writing Down Your Anger

I often suggest to my clients that whenever they feel extremely angry or upset, that they sit down and write about what’s bothering them before taking any action. There are some very good reasons for doing this. First, it gives a time out period where you can cool down rather than acting impulsively and regretting it later. Secondly, you can vent all of those horrible angry thoughts without hurting anyone. Thirdly, this process can assist you in putting things into perspective.

There is an interesting explanation as to why this process works so well, and it has to do with the way in which the human brain functions. The brain consists of two hemispheres, the left and the right. Things are processed differently in each half. The left hemisphere functions in logical, analytical, sequential ways. This is the part of our brain that handles functions such as language and mathematics. The right hemisphere functions in a more global, synthetic way, seeing the “big picture” as opposed to all of the little parts. Its functions relate more to art, music, feeling and emotion. While this is an oversimplification, it helps us to understand how we can take charge of our emotions.

When we are in a highly emotional state, we are functioning from the right brain. Feelings can run rampant, and situations can escalate quickly. It can be difficult at a time like this to tell yourself to calm down and get a grip. But if you engage yourself in a left brain task, it is like a signal to withdraw the troops from the right side, and you can experience a bit of an emotional ceasefire. Hence, taking time to write about what is happening and how you are feeling is a way of tempering your emotional state. If you are able to also write about what you think the other person might be feeling, or the other side of the issue, and generate some solutions, then that is even better, and you’re well on your way to transforming the situation.

If you know that the other person will never understand your point of view, or that it is unlikely that the situation will change, then write advice to yourself about what you know you should do in order to remove yourself from the situation, or if that is not an option, what you must do to cope. There is no sense in going back and fighting some more in what you know is a losing battle. So keep your pen handy, and re-read your writing from time to time to see either how far you have come, or how stuck you are, repeating the same negative pattern again and again. This process can be a very productive way of taking charge of your emotions and your life.

The Gift of Silence

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The Gift of Silence

When was the last time you gave yourself the gift of silence? No radio or television, no traffic noise, no talking, just total quiet. This may be easier to accomplish if you live out in the country, yet many who have silence around them do not truly notice it. If we sit in silence, and can quiet the chatter of our minds, it is possible to go more deeply into ourselves.

Silence allows us to become like a still pond into which you can see deeply, and at the same time it offers a very clear reflection. It can be very healing to breathe deeply and allow the silence to envelope us. Imagine that the silence can melt away any stress or tension, in the same way that the rays of the sun can warm our bodies. In our busy lives, our senses are constantly bombarded by stimuli, be it from the media, family members or a ringing telephone.

Often our attention shifts rapidly from one thing to the next, or we are trying to follow several trains of thought simultaneously. Our circuits become overloaded, and automatically respond to the most demanding stimulus at the moment, much like a taxi driver who gives up control over where his taxi is going. That might be fine for a while, but if he never turned his radio off, he might never get to go home. There is a place within each of us that is our home. It might be called our center, our essence, or our spiritual nature.

It is important to go home regularly, or we lose touch with who we are. For some, this may seem like a strange concept, for there are many who have been operating on automatic for so long, that it feels weird to be alone with self. However, as the pace of life continues to speed up, it is more important than ever for each of us to be centered and balanced within ourselves. The peaceful energy that flows from that state affects the whole.

If there is a long lineup at the express checkout and the cashier is slow, you can feel the tension building. But if there is one person in the lineup who is really at peace, that can change the energy of the whole group. Sometimes you can even calm a fussy baby in such a lineup by simply centering yourself, and sending love to that child. Try giving yourself some silent time before the children come home, or as you drive home from work, and notice the difference that can make in the way that you respond to family members.

Take some silent time at noon, and notice what a difference it makes in your afternoon at work or school. If you do some deep breathing while you are appreciating the silence, you will enhance the effects of this practice. And if you make this a regular part of your life, you will be nurturing both body and soul.

Ask Gwen: High Conflict Divorce & Children

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Ask Gwen: High Conflict Divorce & Children

Question: I’m having a tough time with my 3 teenage children (13,13,14). I’m going through a high conflict divorce. My ex is badmouthing me and trying to alienate the kids from me. My kids walk all over me and don’t respect me. When I try to stand up for myself they get upset and say I’m arguing with them. I’m trying really hard to get along with them and have good memories.

Gwen’s Audio Response:
Click the play button to hear Gwen’s response.

 

 

 

Ask Gwen: Mother Improving Relationship with Adult Daughter

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Ask Gwen: Mother Improving Relationship with Adult Daughter

Question: How can I improve my relationship with my 33 year old daughter? Our relationship is stranded and when I try to help, by asking questions or advise or give suggestions, I get shut down. Her comment is that I don’t know anything, it’s not how it’s done now. She tells me it’s like a lecture. She is a very strong person, but I feel very unhappy with her life, and work more so. We don’t seem to have that loving mother, daughter relationship and I would like to change that. Any suggestions?

Gwen’s Audio Response:
Click the play button to hear Gwen’s response.

 

 

 

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