Do you find yourself arguing frequently with your partner? This may happen for several reasons. If one person is criticizing the other, undoubtedly an argument will ensue. The solution here, obviously, is to stop criticizing. No one likes to be criticized. Instead of telling the other what he/she is doing wrong, simply ask for the behavior you would like. Offering to modify one of your behaviors in return creates a win-win situation.
Sometimes the arguments are a result of differing opinions. You have probably noticed that when two people are reiterating their respective positions, they may become louder or more forceful, but that rarely shifts the perspective of the other. The result is either a blow-up, with an aftermath that lasts for days, or one party gives in to keep the peace, but may feel unheard or resentfful.
There is a better way. Rather than fighting each other, the two people join together and work as a team to solve the problem. He says “black”, she says “white.” First, both work to clearly understand the other’s concerns and preferences. Then each proposes “grey” solutions, until they come upon one that both can live with.
If you are one half of a couple, there will be times when you disagree. It is vital, for a healthy relationship, that you learn the process, and the art of compromise. Indeed, there may be some issues that are non-negotiable for you, for example, things involving legal or moral issues. These should be few, so for most issues, there should be room to reach some kind of agreement.
Neither party may be completely happy with the result of the compromise, but if the relationship is one in which there is respect for one another, both will see that while there may have been a “loss” in terms of one’s stance on the issue, there is a “gain” in terms of the relationship. In ten years the issue will be forgotten, but you will be reaping the rewards that come from putting the relationship first.
Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
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