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Assumptions Can Damage Relationships

Gwen Randall-Young

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June 1, 2022

“…whenever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make assumptions, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

One of the biggest problems I see in couples’ communication is when one or both partners make assumptions about what the other is thinking or feeling. The assumptions are often based on how one interprets the behavior of the other.

She may spend more time talking to her friend than to him, so he thinks friendship is more important than the relationship. He does not express verbally his feelings of love for her, so she thinks he really does not love her that much. She devotes a lot of time to the children, so he thinks they are more important to her than he is. He spends a lot of time at work so she thinks work is more important than she is.

These kinds of assumptions often are communicated as accusations, rather than sincere questions to check out how the person really feels. If the person argues that the assumption is not true, the reply often is, “Oh yes it is.” Now what we have is one person telling the other how they really think and feel.

This is a huge violation. Think about it. To tell another that we know better than they do what they think—to deny their truth and replace it with our perception absolutely negates the other person. I would go so far as to say it is a form of bullying. The person’s truth is punched down and prevented from ever getting up.

One of the fundamental prerequisites for a good relationship is to really listen to what the other is saying, and to give them the courtesy of checking out a judgment we may be making of them. Couples need to communicate honestly, and to accept the other person’s version of their own thoughts and feelings. That is when real communication starts.

(For information on obtaining my Relationship Healing MP3, see below.)

Related MP3s Available:

Communication in Relationships
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Relationship Landmines
Relationship Healing

Relationship Healing MP3

Teen Dating: Healthy Relationships

Gwen Randall-Young

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May 31, 2022

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When teenaged girls are dating, they often have not had enough life experience to know if a relationship is healthy or not. There are some definite indicators that are trouble signs, and they include the following:

1) he is physically or verbally abusive,

2) he calls you names or puts you down,

3) he lies or cheats—in any situations, not just with you,

4) his values or morals are of a lower standard than yours,

5) he encourages you to be rude to your parents, or ignore their rules.

6) he criticizes your friends, and discourages you from spending time with them,

7) he is argumentative, and you find yourself repeatedly engaged in conflict.

Unless she has a high level of self-esteem, a young woman may tend to blame herself for the problems. Alternately, she may fall into the trap of thinking that she can change him.

If any of the above indicators are present, it is not a healthy relationship , and, frankly, she should move on. Even a healthy relationship can have its challenges, so why remain in a situation that already has serious strikes against it?

The teenage years are years when those around us should be supportive and encouraging. Dysfunctional relationships at this time can have long term emotional consequences as this is a critical time for the developing sense of self.

If a woman is having a hard time distancing from this type of relationship, despite urging from friends and family members, professional help is in order.

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CDs You May be Interested In:
Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Healing Depression
Raising Self-Esteem
Love Your Body Love Yourself
Thinking for Yourself (Empowerment for Youth)

Honoring the Souls of Our Children

Gwen Randall-Young

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May 19, 2022

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“As we grow as unique persons, we learn to respect the uniqueness of others.” ~ Robert H. Schuller

Parents often think of their children as blank slates onto which they can “design” the person the child will grow into. While it is vitally important to teach children moral values and appropriate social skills, attempting to shape a child into a certain “type” is taking something away from the child.

Even as babies, we can see distinct differences in personalities. A child is born with certain innate characteristics and we must accept these the same way we accept the color of his or her eyes. Most parents recognize that while they may have three children, for example, who were raised in the same environment and with the same life experiences, they often grow up having distinctively different personalities.

As adults, we all have differences in our likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, and preferences in a variety of areas. We accept this, generally not taking kindly to someone trying to change us.

Children are no different, however they are so much more vulnerable. It is important that they be celebrated and valued for who they are, not compared to others or made to feel inadequate because they are shy for example, or not very athletic.

Our children are their own unique persons, not simply reflections of us. Like flowers in the garden, we must let them grow into what nature designed them to be. Our job is to nurture them, love them, and to help them to see the beauty and wonder of their own uniqueness. Doing this helps them to love and appreciate themselves, and also to appreciate the uniqueness of others.

CDs You May be Interested In:
My Special Friends (for Children)
Go Away Monster! (for Young Children)
A World of Kindness
Creating Balance in Your Life
Thinking for Yoursef (Empowerment for Youth)
Releasing Stress

Releasing Resentments

Gwen Randall-Young

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May 7, 2022

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Out with the old and in with the new! That is a slogan we associate with the beginning of a new year – creating a fresh start. It occurred to me that the beginning of each year would be a good time to release all resentments, hurts, and conflicts that occurred during the past year.

Too often people carry grudges over to the new year, and the year after that, and the year after that. If new issues arise, the burden of all that negativity becomes heavier and heavier. One spends a lot of time thinking of those who have wronged them, and things that did not go as planned.

If, at the ending of each year, we wiped the slate clean – a sort of emotional amnesty – and resumed a stance of positive regard towards all, how different life would be. This does not mean that whatever another has done to us is okay, it only means that we have done enough ruminating over it, and choose to let it go .

Even if we no longer choose to have contact with someone, we can still release any negative energy we are holding towards them. That negative energy only hurts us, anyway.

We can think of this process as maintaining a positive emotional ecology, as we release toxic thoughts and emotions. We benefit enormously when we do this, and so do all of those around us.

Related MP3s Available:

Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Healing Your Inner Child
Stop Worrying and Start Enjoying Life
Mood Therapy

Mood Therapy MP3

Improving Relationships With Adult Children

Gwen Randall-Young

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May 5, 2022

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Improving Relationships With Adult Children

“No one, however powerful and successful, can function as an adult if his parents are not satisfied with him.” ~ Frank Pittman

Do you have adult children from whom you are estranged, or with whom you would like a closer relationship? If so, the following pointers could help you to turn things around.

If you have done things that are hurtful to your adult child, either in recent years or when he/she was a child, apologize. Without an apology, children are left thinking that you meant to hurt them, think the behavior was okay, or do not care about their feelings.

Recognize that even though they are grown, what they need from you is unconditional love, support and validation. If you criticize them, they think you feel they are unworthy, no matter how much positive feedback you have given them in other areas. Further, criticism puts them back into the role of the child, and most adults resent that. It is especially damaging to criticize how they are raising their children (unless of course there is abuse or neglect).

Do not talk behind their backs. You are the parent, and your children deserve your loyalty. Especially do not speak badly of them to their siblings, and let all your children know that you will not participate in gossip about the others.

Do not burden your children with all of your tales of woe, especially problems with your spouse. They are your children, not counselors. Of course if you are very ill, or have suffered a loss, that is different, and they can, and should support you.

Let them know you love them. This is particularly important if you have never told them so. You might assume that they know, but I have worked with many adults over the years who lament the fact that they never heard those words from a parent.

About now some of you may be thinking this seems one-sided, with all the responsibility for improving the relationship falling to the parent. You may be thinking that you have been hurt too, and that all of the above should apply to the child as well. That may be true.

However, we cannot control others, only ourselves. As parents we can, and should take the high road. Doing so sets a good example for our children, and communicates that the relationship is more important than keeping score.

Related MP3s Available:

Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Healing Your Inner Child
Releasing Anxiety
Your Authentic Self
Thinking for Yourself (Empowerment for Youth)

Healing the Past MP3

The Problem with Being a Pleaser

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 14, 2022

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Are you a pleaser? A pleaser is one who negates his or her own needs for fear of ever letting anyone else down. A pleaser is usually a genuinely nice person, but to a fault.
On the one hand, there is a heartfelt desire to be helpful or facilitative, but on the other, there may be either a fear of disappointing others, or a strong desire to be seen as an amazingly good person.

The pleaser runs into problems. First of all, it is impossible to please everyone all of the time. It is devastating for the pleaser to have someone upset with him or her. This is bound to happen once one is juggling the needs of several people.

Secondly, the pleaser is often dishonest, externally expressing a keen desire to do what others want, but internally wishing there were a way to get out of it. This produces stress and anxiety in the individual, and even resentment towards the one being pleased.

An additional complication occurs when those one has been pleasing come to expect the pleaser to continue to meet their needs. Once expectations are well established, it is even more difficult for the pleaser to say, “No”. Gradually, there is less and less time for oneself, or for one’s family, because the pleaser is too busy looking after everyone else.

Not only can being a pleaser be exhausting, but, in time, resentment sets in. The pleaser is doing everything for everyone else, but who is there for him/her?

The first step in “recovery” is admitting that you are a pleaser. Then, either with introspection, or the help of a therapist, aim to discover how you got to be that way. Self-esteem may be low, and pleasing feeds the ego. One’s sense of worth may be tied into what others think of them.

Next, you need to learn about healthy boundaries, and how to set them for yourself. This is the challenging part, because you need to be honest with others. You have to be able to tell others that you have stretched yourself too thinly, and that you need to begin taking better care of yourself if you are to be any good at all to anyone.

It means communicating to others that you may not always be available, or be able to do, say or be what they want. Those who truly care about you will understand. Those who do not understand, and still expect you to put them first are not healthy for you and are taking advantage of your good nature. If they step out of your life because you are not constantly at their beck and call, that is not such a bad thing!

Related MP3s Available:

Positive Thinking
Stop Worrying and Start Enjoying Life
Trusting and Following Your Intuition
Creating Balance in Your Life
Your Authentic Self

Your Authentic Self MP3

Part of Growing Up is Realising We Cannot Change Others

Gwen Randall-Young

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March 29, 2022

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Love heals all things. This is one of those guiding principles that works…. most of the time. If it were just that simple! If the world was that simple, then we certainly would not need philosophers and there would be a lot less poetry. No doubt we have been given all the pieces of the puzzle of life, it’s just that there are an infinite number of ways to put them together.

Take, for example, the woman who meets her prince. Well, he’s not exactly a prince, but through the eyes of love he comes pretty close. She sees not only who he is, but all that he could be. Now, under her guiding influence, let the transformation begin. She does it gently at first, but as time goes on, she digs in a little harder. She may see things in her prince that she does not like. When she tries to discuss them, she might find that he responds defensively or with anger, or he might agree with her and vow to change. Because she loves him so much, she wants to stay with him. But if there are things she cannot live with, the only option she sees is to continue to ‘work’ on him.

If the situation involves two people who are open, honest, fair, and dedicated to growing together, then the process can have its rewards. It would not, we should think, be a one-sided process. The problem begins when she wants him to change, and despite what he might verbalize, deep down he really does not want to. Or perhaps he cannot. If she really wants this man in her life, then she feels that the more that she loves him, the more he will want to change. She invests a lot of herself, and when change does not come, she feels that she cannot quit her efforts because she has already put so much of herself into the relationship. Things do not flow easily anymore, and life has become a struggle.

When a relationship reaches this point, it is time for the couple to wake up. If they do not, they continue this painful dance, drifting farther and farther apart. Waking up involves looking honestly at what they are doing. It means bringing the issues out into the open. Each person has to be honest with self about what he or she needs, and about the bottom lines. If the bottom line is no addictions, no dishonesty, or no put-downs, and if the partner has a problem complying, then his or her dysfunctions are stronger than the love. If one wants deeper communication, more intimacy, less conflict, and the other is not willing to look at these issues, then a relationship in the truest sense does not even exist.

Part of growing up is realizing that we cannot change others. It is also knowing that we are responsible for our own happiness and wellbeing. Sometimes it is not so much the other who needs to understand and respect our needs and boundaries, as it is our own selves. The more we know of these before getting into a relationship, the better. Then we will not need to create princes (or princesses), only to turn them into frogs.

Let Others Speak For Themselves

Gwen Randall-Young

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March 29, 2022

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There is a practice that has the power to sabotage communication and relationships. We all do it or have done it. It is so prevalent in the way we think about others that we are scarcely aware we are violating others when we do it. It is like a computer virus that has the potential to disable all of our programs.

What could it be? It is when we make assumptions about what others are thinking. How often sentences begin with, “you think”, “she thinks”, “they think”, or even, “everyone thinks”. It is not an assumption when you report directly and accurately what another has said. Telling someone your preschooler thinks there are monsters under the bed may be a statement of fact, if that is what she told you. However, to say that your teenager thinks everyone should pick up after him, because he never puts anything away, is an assumption, unless he actually made that statement.

Statements such as, “You think you can just walk all over me”, “You think the world revolves around you”, or “You just don’t care”, are actually very invasive, hostile and judgmental. It is hard for the recipient of such messages to respond in any reasonable way. Denial of the allegation generally invites further judgments, as the speaker tries to prove his or her assumption is accurate. Saying, for example, that he does care, may cause the speaker to cite a litany of examples “proving” that he does not. Unable to respond reasonably, the one attached may resort to tossing out a few assumptions of his own, reacting angrily, or simply walking away. Of course this “proves” to the initiator that she was right all along.

Right? Wrong! This is what we call crazy-making. It distorts the communication process and takes on a life of its own. We must let others speak for themselves. We honor them when we take the time to ask what their thoughts and feelings are. We must accept what they say as their truth. There is simply no point in arguing with someone about what they think, because we cannot get into their heads. If there is any doubt in your mind about how this affects others, just try to remember a time when someone either told you what you thought, or otherwise insisted he knew more about what is in your head than you do. It is to communication what a red flag is to a bull.

Human Aggression is Counter-Evolutionary

Gwen Randall-Young

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March 24, 2022

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Human Aggression is Counter-Evolutionary

“Mankind must evolve, for all human conflict, a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

We are all distressed by what is happening in Ukraine. Putin is a bully, wanting things his way. He cannot see beyond his personal beliefs. There is no limit to what he will do to get what he wants, even if that means committing war crimes.

Why is Putin this way? What are we to learn from what is happening in our world?

Humans, like all animals, have a built-in potential for aggression. It was there in the beginning so humans could survive: it helped to defend oneself from a life-threatening attack, protect food supplies, and protect the young.

The aggressive impulse remains today, however, much to our detriment. Aggression only begets more aggression. Left to escalate, it can result in death: death of a person, a culture, or a relationship, and most assuredly, of peace.

Other than in truly life-threatening situations, interpersonal aggression is the result of ego’s machinations. Ego does not get its way, does not feel in control, or has taken offence; therefore, it decides it must strike out. The one who vents anger, aggression or otherwise attacks, virtually always blames the outside world. The child made the parent frustrated, so it is the child’s fault the parent went off the deep end, perhaps even physically or emotionally abusing the child. The employee made a mistake, so it is the employee’s fault that the boss had to yell and humiliate the individual in front of the rest of the staff. Another driver cut off the motorist, so it is the driver’s fault that the motorist had an episode of road rage.

This process of shifting blame and denying responsibility for one’s own unconscious and inappropriate reactions is typical of children. Mother’s refusal to give a treat before lunch causes the tantrum, in the mind of the four-year old. Dad’s refusal to extend the curfew is the cause of the teen’s door slamming and under-the breath muttering or outright screaming.

Perhaps Putin’s actions, while the behavior of a megalomaniac, is a very extreme example of the ego aspect in all humans.

Ego is certainly the less evolved, more primitive aspect of our being, and truly does operate from a childlike perspective. It is impulsive and reactive. It does not reflect and consider the best course of action, or think about what would serve the highest good of all.

We shake our heads over the conflict in Ukraine. We ponder the ongoing difficulties in the Middle East, wondering if we will ever have peace in our world.

Yet we, in our own lives, may have been unable to learn to deal with differences from a place of wisdom and compassion, searching for solutions, rather than needing to prove we are right. Both as individuals and as a species, it seems we still have some growing to do.

The Second Half of Life – Navigating Our Way Through It

The Universe Within

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March 17, 2022

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The Second Half of Life – Navigating Our Way Through It

As an increasingly larger portion of the population finds itself in the ‘second half’ of life, there is a push for awareness to expand once again. In some ways it is difficult to prepare for aging, for the young cannot embrace a perspective complete enough to predict what to prepare for! Besides, if we are living in the moment, we are not thinking too much about what life will be like ten years from now.

Further, aging is something that seems to happen to the body-mind, but not to the spirit. If we identify strongly with the body and the mind, we may be thrown off balance by changes time may bring. If we identify more strongly with spirit, we may scarcely be aware of changes that affect our physical or mental abilities. In fact, it may be that a lively spirit keeps the body younger, the mind more active.

It is important to ‘feed’ the spirit, to give it space to roam freely, and allow it to sometimes (often) take the lead. Those individuals who seem truly ageless, are the ones who allow their spirits to explore, like curious little puppies. There is always something interesting around the next corner. The second half of life is no exception.

We could almost say that it is in the second half of life that the soul becomes more deeply aware of itself. As a baby grows, there is a gradual development of self-awareness; away from egocentricity and towards awareness of self-in-world. As soul awareness grows, there is a similar shift away from self-in-world towards spirit-in-eternity.

There is a profound losing, or letting go of an old world, an old way of seeing things. As the child grows up, the back yard which was once the whole “outside world”, loses significance as a wider world opens up. As soul-awareness grows, the back yard of this Earth similarly loses significance as we catch glimpses of yet another ‘world’ beyond the familiar.

Just as there are those who prefer the security of the back yard and are reluctant to venture up the street, so there are those who cling to the security of the world, fearful of the unknown beyond. The best preparation for whatever the future brings is to decide to embrace change rather than resist it. It is better to ride the wave, than to simply stand there and hope it does not knock you over.

We can ride gently into the second half of life. There is no rush anymore. The second half is for savoring. Children are not interested in scenery, there is so much of it and it’s all the same. Older people are entranced by scenery; each scene is unique and precious, existing only once like this, in this particular moment of our experience. Children want to get going, keep moving. Older people just want them to be still for a moment, so they can really look at them. They know how quickly the children will grow, and how precious is this one moment that they share. There is much to savor.

The second half is also the time for the mingling of intellect and experience, allowing it to steep, so that the wisdom becomes strong and robust. It is the time to share that wisdom with the tribe, as we move towards our role as elders. It will be for us to re-define what it means to live fully, to keep growing and learning, to explore our creativity year after year.

Our most profound task, however, may be to demonstrate a fearless transition from form, to formless. So much more aware of our “spiritual selves” than our predecessors, our journey of transition may be undertaken with much greater consciousness than ever before. Practicing non-attachment allows us to let go more easily. Being in the moment allows us to live more fully. Spirit becomes lighter and lighter, more and more free. And when that happens, the lines between young and old, life and death begin to blur. Then perhaps, as Richard Bach has written, “there’s no such place as far away”. Whether in form, or formlessness, we are still and ever, one.