Blog - Page 45 of 50 - Gwen Randall-Young

Surviving and Thriving After a Breakup

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

“Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.”~ Anonymous

The ending of a relationship can be very difficult, even traumatic, especially if you did not want it to end. It can be like a death, and you may go through stages similar to those experienced in grieving.

The stages can occur in any order and may repeat. They include some or all of the following:

1) Denial – one has the sense that this cannot be happening, or that the situation will change, 2) Anger- here the denial gives way to feelings of “Why me? It’s not fair?” How can this happen to me?; along with feelings of blame,

3) Bargaining- “Maybe it doesn’t have to end?” “Maybe we could try again?’ “Give me another chance.” 4) Depression – here the sadness and fears for the future set in. One may fear being lonely, being alone forever, never being happy again,

5) Acceptance- finally one accepts the reality of the situation and understands the need to try to move on.

Some may get stuck, holding on to the past, and never really get to the acceptance stage. They may stay with the anger, or remain depressed because they keep looking back, rather than trying to create a future.

In order to move beyond survival, and to actually thrive, we have to adopt a more positive perspective. We need to consider that perhaps everything does happen for a reason, and that our lives indeed are unfolding as they should. Often we need to move way into the future before we can look back and see that the worst thing that could have happened turns out to be the best thing.

When taking a road trip you do not spend all of your time looking out the rear-view mirror. In the journey of life, it is wise not to do that either.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

Time to End a Marriage

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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It is always difficult when a marriage ends. Naturally, especially if there are children involved, we hope there is some way the couple could find a way back to the happiness that brought them together in the first place.

Sometimes it simply is impossible. One or the other may have changed, or differences that were there all along may have become major relationship roadblocks. In any event, we have a situation in which one or both of the partners is extremely unhappy. Even at this point, one or both may do everything in their power to improve the relationship, only to find the differences are irreconcilable. Now what?

If there is conflict and tension, or cold silence, it is time to move on. Such an environment is not healthy for children or adults. Being angry and upset, waiting and waiting for a partner to change is a recipe for misery. Years and years of living like that will certainly affect one’s health.

If it is clear a relationship has failed to thrive, and has become toxic, as adults we must take responsibility for cleaning up the mess. Sometimes ‘doing the right thing’ for our children means moving on, and creating two healthy, yet separate, environments.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

When a Partner Says It’s Over

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.” ~ Bess Myerson

The ending of a relationship can be like a death, particularly if you did not want it to end, and most particularly, if you did not see it coming. When someone dear to us dies, there are stages in the grieving process that most experience. There may be shock, disbelief, denial, anger, sadness and many other emotions, and one may cycle through all of them many times before finally reaching a place of acceptance.

The same thing happens when a partner drops the bomb that he/she is leaving. First comes the shock and disbelief, and then there maybe a stage of bargaining. One may attempt to talk the other out of leaving, citing the many good things about the relationship, or promising to change in ways that will make the other happy.

One may even go so far as to question the sanity or emotional stability of the one who wants to leave. This may be an indication of some denial going on. Rather than accepting that a partner has been quite unhappy for a long time, it is easier to believe there is something wrong with him or her.

The truth is that generally, when someone announces that the relationship is over, a lot of thought has gone on for a long time prior to the pronouncement. Likely the thought has been there for months, if not years. This can be hard for the recipient of such news, because the one leaving has had a long time to prepare for, and accept the ending of the relationship. That person has slowly been letting for a long time, and so is further along the process than the one who has just found out.

It is hard not to fight for someone you really love, but in reality that person probably gave plenty of feedback long ago about what was missing, or was making him or her very unhappy. Likely the message was given repeatedly, and either ignored or not taken seriously. Finally, the only course seemed to be to give up.

Whatever love or hope there was, now dies.

It is fair enough to ask the person if there is any chance at all to save the relationship. If you get a clear message that the partner is ready to move on, then you must do what you can to move towards acceptance. This may involve psychological counseling, for it is certainly a major life change. It is a difficult time for certain, and it is equally certain that your partner cannot be the one to help you through it.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

When is it Time to End a Relationship?

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.” ~ Tennessee Williams

Sometimes a relationship becomes so difficult that partners begin to question whether it is worth trying to save it. How do you know when it is time to quit?

There are some obvious indicators. If there is physical or emotional abuse, infidelity, dishonesty, or out-of-control addictions, and the partner refuses to get help, it is time to think about taking care of yourself. If the partner’s behaviors are having an ongoing negative impact on children, it is time to think about protecting them.

Sometimes the problems in a relationship are not as serious as those mentioned above, so making a decision becomes more difficult. Just because issues may not be deal-breakers in the classic sense, it does not mean one is not justified in leaving a relationship.

If there is constant arguing or frequent fighting, and things never seem to get resolved, one has to question if this is how he or she wants to live. If there is no involvement between the couples, no connection, no sharing of activities and no genuine expressions of love, then this is not a partnership in any sense. It is just two people living under the same roof. If both are fine with living like roommates, then it works for them. However, if one wants more, and the other is not willing to work on creating more, then there is hardly a reason to stay.

Some would cite vows made years before as a reason not to ever leave. Those vows included things like loving, honoring and cherishing one another. If the relationship has deteriorated to the extent that at least one of the partners feels it impossible to continue, then it seems the marriage vows were broken long before any talk of separation.

To stay in a situation that is stressful, conflicted, and depressing is harmful to one’s health. It literally can make a person ill. If you know inside that your relationship is destructive and all attempts to heal it have been unsuccessful, then sad as it may seem, it is time to move on.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
Creating the Ultimate Relationship
Healing Your Inner Child
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

When the Marriage is Over

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on.” ~ Blaine Lee

Life often surprises us in unexpected and unpleasant ways. When we get married, most of us assume we will share the rest of our life with our beloved. We see ourselves building a life: getting a home, perhaps having a family, enjoying graduations and weddings, retirement and being grandparents together.

Sometimes it turns out not to be happily ever after. There may be a slow growing apart, a stormy history of conflict, hurt and resentment, or a shocking end triggered by infidelity, or a partner falling out of love.

This throws us into crisis, regardless of the role we play. Even one who ends the relationship will go through a grieving process. There is grief for the lost dreams, the future that will never be, the changes in the lives of children, the loss of extended family, and often, the loss of the family home.

The one who has been left will feel all of this grief, plus the sense of unfairness, betrayal and intense pain. There may be fear for the future, and even a temporary loss of identity or that part of one’s identity that was tied to the relationship.

There must be time for grieving the losses, but there also must eventually be a letting go of the old life and a building of the new.

If the focus is on how this should never have happened and now life is ruined, there will be only bitterness, resentment, negativity, depression and even anxiety.

If, on the other hand we can allow for the possibility that a higher plan is unfolding which will serve our highest good, even if at the moment it makes no sense, we can begin to move forward.

Our first steps may be tentative, and we take a few steps forward and then a few back, but slowly we will move ahead. We must hold to the belief that some good will ultimately come, and practice patience until we see it.

We can make the choice to be a survivor rather than a victim. This choice will make all the difference.

Related MP3s Available:

When Relationships Break Down
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Trust and Fidelity
Codependency and Projection
Relationship Healing

When Relationships Break Down MP3

Emotional Affairs Threaten Marriages

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Emotional affairs can be very threatening to a marriage. An emotional affair is when two people form a strong bond and begin to share more and more of themselves with the other. What differentiates an emotional affair from a friendship?

Signs that an opposite sex friendship may be turning into an emotional affair include the following: 1) you find yourself preoccupied with thoughts about the person and can’t wait for the next communication 2) you begin to withdraw from your spouse, losing interest in either emotional or sexual intimacy 3) you spend less time with your spouse, sharing your thoughts and feelings with your friend instead of your spouse 4) you feel your friend understands you better than your spouse 5) when confronted about the relationship you insist “We’re just friends.” 6) you keep your friendship, or aspects of it, secret from your spouse.

For some, the emotional affair is a way to get needs met without having a full-blown affair. There are two problems with this. The first is that emotional affairs constitute infidelity, especially when kept secret, and the second is that the emotional affair often escalates into a sexual affair.

Sometimes emotional affairs occur because a spouse needs more than what he or she feels is available with the partner. Often it is the beginning of the end of a marriage that was disintegrating already.

The best way to defend against an emotional affair is to really listen to your partner’s needs. If he or she needs more affection, connection or intimacy do not just see this as idle complaining. Take it seriously! Take an interest in your partner’s life and suggest doing things together. Make “couple time” a priority, no matter how busy you are.

Try to be positive, supportive and encouraging. Aim to really understand what your partner is thinking and feeling. Express gratitude and appreciation, so your partner feels valued, and important to you.

It is much easier to prevent a partner from turning to an emotional affair, than it is to stop it once it gets going.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Trust and Fidelity
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
When Relationships Break Down
Relationship Healing

Emotional Infidelity

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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What is infidelity in a relationship? Generally we think that it involves a sexual incident or relationship with someone else. There are those who deny the existence of infidelity by saying “nothing happened”, meaning, I did not have sex with that person.

However, there is another kind of infidelity which is just as damaging. It is emotional infidelity. This occurs when one has an opposite sex relationship where there is emotional intimacy. It is a fine line between friendship and emotional intimacy, but generally, individuals know when they have crossed the line, whether they are willing to admit it or not.

Emotional infidelity is characterized by a sense of secretiveness, and a sharing of deep parts of oneself which often are not shared with the spouse. Often conversations center on the shortcomings of the spouse, or the unsatisfying nature of the primary relationship. This is the beginning of the deconstruction of the relationship, for what is happening is that the primary bond of intimacy is being shifted to someone outside of the primary relationship.

It may begin innocently enough, over coffee or lunch with a co-worker. It could even be with a complete stranger one has met via the internet. There can still be emotional infidelity, even if the individuals never meet in person. Gradually the bond with the newcomer becomes stronger as the bond with the spouse continues to weaken.

Eventually the spouse begins to sense something has shifted. He or she may begin asking a lot of questions, or even making accusations. The response to this is usually one of anger and denial. This is when the crazy making really begins. The one who knows something is different gets accused of being paranoid, while the other becomes even more secretive in order to protect the outside relationship.

Even without sexual involvement, this is still cheating. It likely will destroy the relationship. It is probable that the relationship was in difficulty before all this, or the outside relationship would not have developed. However, the decent thing to do is first to work on the primary relationship, and if it cannot be salvaged, to end it before starting up with someone else. To carry on with someone else while in a relationship is demeaning to the partner, and dishonoring of the self.

Related MP3s Available:

Trust and Fidelity
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
When Relationships Break Down
Relationship Healing

Trust and Fidelity MP3

Forgiveness in Relationships

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ Catherine Ponder

Lack of forgiveness is one of the things that can keep a relationship from moving forward. If a partner has done something that hurt us, we have some decisions to make.

First, we have to decide if the incident was a deal-breaker. Things like unfaithfulness, lying, physical abuse or addictions may be things we simply cannot live with. If that is the case we must do what we have to do to move one.

If the incident was hurtful, but we still want to keep the relationship, there are two things that can happen. The partner may express sincere regret for the hurt and express the intention to avoid similar recurrences. However, it may be that the individual refuses to apologize or acknowledge your feelings.

In the latter case it is very difficult to move forward as the issue feels unfinished or unresolved. It remains near the surface and the hurt may be triggered again and again. Often there is resentment as well. It is important for couples to try to come to some sort of peace around these issues, because if they do not there is a tendency for additional issues to occur and pile up. If you both seem stuck and there is no resolution, consider professional help.

In the case of a sincere apology, it is important to accept the apology and move forward. This means that the issue is not brought up again every time there is a conflict. If the same thing keeps happening, that is a different matter. Then it does need to be discussed, along with the sincerity of previous apologies.

In the case of a one-time incident that maybe happened long ago, the sincere apology should put an end to it. It is not fair to keep bringing up the past when it cannot be changed and the person is sincerely sorry. There is wisdom in forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving does not mean that what happened was okay. It just means we choose to let it go so we can build on the positive in the relationship.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Trust and Fidelity
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
When Relationships Break Down
Relationship Healing

Healing Marriage After Infidelity

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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“Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” ~ James Thurber

Can a marriage be saved when there has been infidelity? It depends. It depends on so many things. I have seen marriages be destroyed when there has been betrayal, and I have seen others grow stronger.

If the one betrayed feels he/she will never be able to trust the person again, there is little hope. The infidelity is like a wound that never heals.

It makes a difference if the one who cheated is truly remorseful. If, at a heart level there is the sense of having made a terrible mistake, and an absolute knowing it will never happen again, the relationship may have a chance.

In cases where the marriages survived and even thrived, it was because the one betrayed loved the other too much to walk away, in spite of the intense pain. These couples were motivated to save their marriage, and to do the work in therapy to heal and move on.

One challenging aspect of recovery was that the betrayer expressed remorse and did not want to keep talking about the betrayal. The one betrayed needed to keep bringing it up with new questions and a need for details.

Difficult as it is for both parties, this is a necessary stage in the healing process. While the betrayed had no control over the infidelity, he/she feels a need to at least have some control over the information surrounding it.

Rebuilding a marriage is a long and painful process. With good professional help and commitment on the part of the couple, the marriage can be made stronger than it ever was before.

Related MP3s available:
Trust and Fidelity
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
When Relationships Break Down
Relationship Healing

Trust and Fidelity MP3

Honesty in Relationship

Gwen Randall-Young

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April 30, 2014

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A strong couple relationship requires honesty and openness. To feel an intimate connection with our partner, we need to really know him or her. Our partner cannot truly know us if we keep parts of ourselves, or our lives, hidden.

That is why open communication is so important—not only the functional communication required to make plans and to get things done, but also communication about our inner thoughts and feelings. We cannot be close if we do not reveal ourselves to each other.

One of the things that makes new relationships so satisfying is that, generally, the partners show a strong interest in sharing with each other. We are interested in getting to know the other, but also to express all of who we are. This exchange creates a strong bond.

That bond can be weakened however if, over time, one or both pull back from open, truthful sharing. If one is unhappy about something, but does not discuss it, distance is created. If lives become busy and talk becomes superficial, the intimate bond is not nurtured.

Finally, having secrets or aspects of life of which a partner is unaware is a serious threat to the integrity of the intimate connection. It represents cutting the partner out of a part of our lives, and is, in a sense, cheating. People may do this because they are afraid of what a partner’s response to the truth would be, or because they want to continue with a behavior which they know would be unacceptable to the partner.

Honesty is a relationship is like pregnancy—you either are, or you are not. If you want a strong, lasting, ever deepening relationship, you must choose full and complete honesty. If there is something you do not want your partner to know, it probably should not be happening. If you choose to continue, and to deceive, you are on a slippery slope.

You are dishonoring your mate, and even if he or she never finds out what you are hiding, the relationship will still be damaged.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Trust and Fidelity
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Codepenency and Projection
When Relationships Break Down
Relationship Healing