Blog - Page 4 of 50 - Gwen Randall-Young

When You Don’t Want to Be Hurt Anymore

Gwen Randall-Young

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September 30, 2021

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy.” ~ Jim Rohn

When we have been hurt by friends or loved ones it is easy to become cautious of others and even reluctant to trust. A person may decide they do not want to become involved in a relationship again because “all men/women are the same and you can’t trust any of them.”

One may also decide not to let others get close because friends have betrayed them in the past. They do not open up to others or even allow a friendship to form.

This may protect one from being hurt by others, but this approach may in itself be hurtful to the individual. Basically he or she as decided not to feel. If you do not feel, you cannot get hurt.

Of course if you do not allow yourself to feel, then you cannot feel good feelings either. You deprive yourself of the possibility of a positive relationship with a friend or partner because of a previous bad experience. This is a little like having a bad meal at a restaurant and deciding never to go to a restaurant again.

To live life fully we have to be willing to be hurt. You cannot play soccer or football and think you will never get hurt. You protect yourself the best you can and then get out there and enjoy the game. If you get hurt, you take care of yourself and when you are healed you play again.

The same is true with friendships and love. We cannot guarantee there will never be pain. If we are not willing to take the risk then we miss out on the joy, the fun, the companionship and yes, even the learning. Life was never meant to be lived from the sidelines. If you have been holding back, it might be time to put yourself back in the game.

Related MP3s Available:

Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Your Authentic Self
Healing Your Inner Child
Raising Self-Esteem

Healing the Past MP3

Harboring Resentment

Gwen Randall-Young

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September 5, 2021

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Are you harboring resentment towards a person or situation right now? If you are, it means you are either hurt, angry, feel misunderstood, or that someone is taking advantage of you. Resentment is a bitter feeling that arises when we are not getting something we need.

Unfortunately, it does not do any good. It is like an acid that eats away at its container. When we feel resentful, we tend to replay the events, words or actions that caused upset in the first place. With each replaying, the resentment builds. Other feelings like anger, disappointment, sadness or even hatred may grow stronger.

One who is resentful may share those feelings with others. This adds more energy to the negative situation, and spreads it further. If this happens in a family, community or workplace, it soon pollutes the emotional environment for all.

How then, can one deal with feelings of resentment? First of all, it is important to realize that one has chosen to feel resentful. Yes, it is a choice. Behind resentment there is some blame based on a judgment. Someone is being blamed for not acting according to our best good. Often assumptions are made, implying we are not important or valued.

The best antidote for resentment is to put all judgment aside, and see if there is a better way to do things that will feel good for all. Problem solving may get you somewhere: resentment will not. Without attacking, tell the other party how you are feeling, and ask if things could be done differently. This will work if you genuinely want resolution. If you are pounding someone on the head with your feelings, and blaming them for whatever happened, you will likely get a negative response which will only fuel your resentment.

If, for some reason, there is nothing you can do to change the situation, it is best for you not to harbor resentment. Just let it go. Harboring resentment, especially over time, will compromise your health, creating stress , anxiety and a compromised immune system . Focus instead on all that is positive in your life, and how you can bring good energy into your relationships with others. You will feel better, and so will those around you.

Related MP3s Available:

Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Healing Your Inner Child
Stop Worrying and Start Enjoying Life
Mood Therapy

Healing the Past MP3

Understanding the Teenaged Daughter

Gwen Randall-Young

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August 15, 2021

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“Many a man wishes he were strong enough to tear a telephone book in half – especially if he has a teenage daughter.” ~ Guy Lombardo

Has your teen-aged daughter suddenly morphed into an alien? Is the sweet girl who used to love to hang out with you and tell you everything become withdrawn and uncommunicative?

Are you distressed because you wanted to have such a close relationship with your daughter and things seem to be moving in the opposite direction?

Do not despair! This is a normal part of her development. In order to ultimately become an independent adult she has to learn to be her own person. This means usually that she does not want to be like Mom or Dad. Nor does she want to be seen or treated like their little girl.

She is trying to figure out who she is and how she will define herself. She is immersed in her peer group during the day and is exploring her identity there. This may shift from day to day.

Some days she may feel good about herself, and other days likes nothing about that same self. There is so much she is trying to figure out. On top of that her body is changing and she may be experiencing hormonal emotions. Sometimes she just needs time to herself

It is around this time that parents accuse her of having “attitude.” Once she is attacked and criticized she withdraws even more. At this age she is extremely sensitive to criticism. She may not say anything, but will carry hurt and resentment.

What is the best way to handle this? First, recognize that this is a natural stage and she is probably struggling. Be sensitive and gentle. Do not insist that she put on a happy face and tell you everything that is going on in her life. Tell her that you know she is not a little girl anymore, and to tell you what she needs, and what she finds annoying.

Of course you must still have rules and expectations, but listen to her opinions, and stress that responsibility leads to more freedom. Allow her to prove herself. Discuss in advance the consequences of bad choices.

This can be a difficult stage, but try not to take her moods personally. Continue to let her know she is loved. Seize upon the moments where she suddenly seems like her own self and wants to talk. Enjoy them but do not pressure her to have more of them. It’s like a butterfly. You delight when they fly into your presence and light awhile, but when it’s time for them to fly away, you have to let them go. And remember, it’s just a stage.

Related MP3s Available:

Releasing Anger
Healing the Past
Healing Depression
Raising Self-Esteem
Love Your Body Love Yourself
Thinking for Yourself (Empowerment for Youth)

Thinking for Yourself MP3

Life is Just a Chance to Grow a Soul

Gwen Randall-Young

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July 23, 2021

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“Life is just a chance to grow a soul”. ~ A. Powell Davies

Humans have always pondered the purpose and meaning of life. Ultimately, I suppose, we must make our own meaning.

We are making meaning all the time. Every day hundreds of things happen, or are said, and we, perhaps even unconsciously, decide what those things mean in the context of our lives. The meanings we choose ultimately determine the quality of our life and happiness.

If we take things personally, are distrustful, and see the worst in others, it will be impossible to create happiness. If instead we are loving, accepting, and give people the benefit of the doubt, and then we will feel happier and will draw more positive experiences to us.

Life may be seen a little like a game of survivor; only it is not about being the best, fastest or even smartest. It may well be about how well we learn the lessons presented by experience, and how much we are able to evolve beyond ego or child-like consciousness.

Ego consciousness is all about “me,” about winning or getting the most be it material things or attention, about polarity, right/wrong, and reacting rather than responding to life. Ego is really a false self.

The more authentic or evolved self, which I call soul, is more about cooperation, compassion, understanding, treating others with acceptance and respect, and responding rather than reacting.

Unlike the gentleman quoted above, I believe that it is not so much about growing a soul, but rather drawing upon the evolved, soul-like qualities that are inherent within all of us.

The purpose of life may well be to see just how wise we can become, and how in touch we remain with those things that truly matter.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs/Books You May be Interested In:
Your Authentic Self
Trusting and Following Your Intuition
Growing Into Soul
The Universe Within Volume 1
The Universe Within Volume 2

Decision Making in Relationships

Gwen Randall-Young

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July 4, 2021

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How decisions are made in a relationship or family tells a lot about the level of communication. Many decisions are made daily about how money and time are to be spent. Decisions are made about what children may or may not do, about social activities, and about what to have for supper.

Some decisions are minor, while others have far reaching impact. It would be time consuming and at times ridiculous to consult with everyone every time a decision is required. So we informally delegate decision making with regard to certain things.

But every once in a while it is important to notice how this is happening, and if it is still suitable for the people involved. Sometimes parents forget to turn over more decision making to their children as they grow older, even though this is an important part of assisting young people to take more responsibility for themselves. The sudden surge of rebelliousness that sometimes erupts in adolescence may be the result of never having made the gradual transition to having more responsibility. Increased opportunities for decision making earlier, in matters affecting teenagers directly, prepares both parents and children for this inevitable shift.

In adult relationships, we often hear the partner say, “My wife/husband would never go for that!” In this case it would seem that over the years one has given the other veto power over what one can and cannot do. This is not to suggest that a couple cannot set mutually agreed upon boundaries for behavior within the relationship, but rather it is not appropriate for an adult to deprive oneself of something which is enjoyable (not illegal or immoral) simply because a partner doesn’t “approve.” This puts a couple into a parent-child relationship which sooner or later breeds resentment.

Often one person in the partnership has the final say on how money should be spent. Rarely is this a conscious agreement, it’s just how it seems to end up. This puts the other person in a position of having to ask “permission” to get something that he/she really wants. Again, this is too much like a parent-child relationship, and either resentment builds or self-esteem suffers.

Each of us has the right to have input in decisions that affect us, and the amount of input increases for children with age and maturity. However, in adult relationships, decision-making should be on an equal input basis. Couples for whom this is a concern need to begin by looking at how decisions on various matters are currently being made, and if both are comfortable with this. If not, then they need to work together to develop a process that they will use so that decision making is more equitable.

The decision making process is often taken for granted, however, it can be a very powerful factor in how we feel about ourselves, and how happy we are in our relationships.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
CDs You May be Interested In:
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Communication in Relationships
Relationship Landmines
When Relationships Break Down
Relationship Healing

Thought Replacement as Antidote for Negative Thinking

Gwen Randall-Young

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July 1, 2021

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Thought Replacement as Antidote for Negative Thinking

I have written before about “thought stopping” as a strategy for helping oneself out of a negative downward thought spiral. Such spirals can carry one deeper and deeper, perhaps even into a depression . Simply stopping the thoughts can be an effective way to interrupt the cycle.

It is not always easy to do this, as sometimes the mind can be pretty persistent in running its negative program . Another strategy can be useful at these times. I will call it “thought replacement.” It is simply replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones.

For example, if you are angry with your spouse, you are likely thinking about all the things that were done to make you upset, or about the negative qualities you currently assign to that partner. In thought replacement, you think of what you love about that person, and focus on that instead. Rather than mentally listing his or her negative qualities, you can focus on the positive ones.

If you get laid off from your job, instead of thinking of all the negative aspects of that situation, you can think about finding a new job that is better in many ways than the old one.

Even if you can only find one positive thing to think about the person or situation, focus on that one instead of all the negative ones. Focusing on the negatives will only make us more angry, upset, discouraged and unhappy. Negative thinking only leads to more negative thinking.

Holding a positive thought is like opening a door that can lead us out of the negative spiral. It helps us to feel better, and is much more productive.

Related MP3s Available:

Positive Thinking
Mood Therapy
Creating Balance in Your Life
Building Motivation Releasing Procrastination
Stop Worrying and Start Enjoying Life

Positive Thinking MP3

Healing Your Inner Child

Gwen Randall-Young

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June 16, 2021

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“So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us.” ~Gaston Bachelard

Even if one has had a very good childhood, there are often a few incidents which have left their mark—a mark which may affect aspects of adult functioning. Perhaps it was not being chosen for a team, or friends being mean. It might have been being left with a babysitter, too young to realize Mom and Dad would come back. A childhood injury or medical treatment can be frightening for children.

For those who had difficult or painful childhoods, the long-term effects are even more pronounced. Abuse, neglect, being bullied, or being rejected can affect the way we function as adults.

All of the pain, fear, sadness and memories belong to our “inner child.” That is the aspect of our inner world that is the repository for everything we experienced in childhood, whether we remember events or not. Every feeling is stored, every belief we told ourselves when we were little, every conclusion we drew about ourselves.

Most “ inner children ” are wounded to some extent. The wounds are not necessarily proportional to the event, as a very sensitive child can hurt deeply by being rejected, and a more resilient child may handle some difficult situations with fewer effects.

It is these wounds that often cause us pain in adulthood. Events happen that trigger the old pain, and the wounded child comes forth. A husband comes home late for legitimate reasons, and a wife may over-react due to old feelings of abandonment. A wife may point out something her husband forgot, and he may go off the deep end, angry at feeling criticized, the same as he felt when his mother always pointed out his mistakes.

At work, jealousies and rivalries may emerge, with workers vying for the good opinion of the boss. Some may even “tattle” on another, in an effort to boost her own position. This is an unconscious playing out of sibling rivalries, with the boss being seen as the “parent.”

This can even happen with parents in relation to their children. A father can feel left out when the mother spends a lot of time with the new baby. When children are older, parents may compete for the attention and loyalty of their children. Again, these are not adult responses, but rather a kind of re-enactment of old experiences.

Clearly, a wounded inner child can wreck havoc on relationships and personal wellbeing. There are things we can do to heal our own inner child . The most important is to begin to become aware of how our past experiences may be affecting our present reality. Next, we need to become a caring, nurturing mother/father to our own inner child. We do this by recognizing when we are having a reaction, and calming down our own emotions. This can be done the same we would comfort an actual child.

Our inner child needs to know we are there for him/her with love, compassion and acceptance. That child needs all of the things we may not have received from our own parents when we were young. The more we nurture and reassure our inner child, the less likely we are to unconsciously act out those inner, past-based emotions on others.

Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
MP3s You May be Interested In:
Healing the Past
Healing Your Inner Child
Releasing Anxiety
Healing Depression
Releasing Anger

The Importance of Being Heard

Gwen Randall-Young

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June 7, 2021

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Communication is not only about the words that are spoken. Words allow us to exchange information, but they are also the medium through which we communicate what is in our hearts.

Words are the paintbrush that we use to create, for another, the picture of who we are.

We would not, hopefully, go up to another person’s work of art and scribble all over it, or black it out with dark paint. However, when we do not acknowledge what another is saying, thinking or feeling, the effect is the same.

For good communication to occur, we need to respect what the other is saying, even if we disagree. To truly honor another, we need to allow him or her to speak, without discounting either the person, or what is being said. All too often, adolescents are not heard, because parents “know best.” Often a spouse is not heard, because the partner needs to be “right,” or does not want to hear the message being given.

When one is not heard, this results in resentment or withdrawal. After a while, efforts to communicate are abandoned, and the relationship grows distant. It is also difficult to trust someone who will not even listen to you.

One of the most powerful ways to enhance any relationship is to take the time to sincerely listen with the heart. It takes a little more time and patience, but the rewards are absolutely worth it.

Related MP3s available:

Communication in Relationships
Conflict Resolution in Relationships
Releasing Anger
Mood Therapy
Releasing Stress

Communication in Relationships MP3

When Parents Still Parent Their Adult Children

Gwen Randall-Young

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June 1, 2021

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When Parents Still Parent Their Adult Children

Are you over the age of thirty with parents who still judge/criticize/berate you? Has the low self-esteem you had as a child continued into adulthood because this negative behavior is still occurring? Do you seethe inside each time this happens, or carry sadness and resentment ?

Then it is time to do something. Sometimes parents think it is their job to continue parenting their adult children. They may feel that because you are their child, that gives them the right to take you to task for all variety of things.

Often, if one was raised with this kind of feedback, it is accepted as normal and inevitable. In essence, the parent/child relationship of one’s youth has continued into adulthood. This creates no end of problems. I have seen many adults who are devastated each time a parent as said or done something negative. I have seen others running on the treadmill of acceptance, feverishly trying to please parents who will never be pleased.

If you recognize yourself here, it is time to set some boundaries. As a child, you could not tell your parents to stop talking to you that way. That would have been considered disrespectful. As an adult, you now have the right to decide how you wish to be treated.

You can calmly tell your parents that their criticisms and judgments are hurtful, and you are requesting that they refrain from these types of comments. If they have any consciousness at all, they will likely agree, even if they defend themselves first. Let them do this, as no one likes to accept feedback that they have been nasty. Just make sure that you remind them that whatever the reason, you will not accept being treated like a child anymore.

If they are so wrapped up in their own perspective that they take your request as a criticism or insult, you are doomed. Just kidding, but you will feel that way, for they have just done again what you asked them not to do. They are not respecting you or your wishes. Stay calm, and tell them that you are not criticizing them, but simply need them to stop criticizing you. Explain that you are an adult, and have every right to be who you are, and do things your way, even if it is not the way they would do them.

The next time it happens, gently remind them they are treating you like a child, and change the subject. If they do not get the message, you may have to get up and leave each time the criticism starts. They are who they are, but it is up to you to set and maintain clear boundaries.

Related MP3s Available:

Positive Thinking
Stop Worrying and Start Enjoying Life
Trusting and Following Your Intuition
Creating Balance in Your Life
Your Authentic Self

Your Authentic Self MP3

Quieting the Busy Mind

Gwen Randall-Young

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May 31, 2021

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“For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.” ~Larry Eisenberg

Many people are bothered by their own busy minds. Often racing thoughts create anxiety and interfere with a good night’s sleep. Sometimes it is hard to fall asleep because of constant thinking. Other times one wakes in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep due to churning thoughts.

The problem is an inability to discipline or control the mind. Like a blaring radio or television, we are unable to find the “off” switch. Some feel they are victims of the ongoing stream of negative or worry thoughts, and simply have to live with them.

However, we can learn to control our minds, but it does take practice. After a lifetime of listening 24/7 to a busy inner voice, it takes time to change that habit.

The first step is knowing that we can learn to control our thoughts. The second step is actually doing it. To begin the process of taking charge of our minds we can practice what is called “thought stopping.” When you find your mind going over and over the same thing, or simply starting to focus on something that creates discomfort, you can say to yourself, “stop!” You may have to force yourself to think of something else, even if it means counting by threes to one hundred or saying the alphabet backwards

This may work for a little while, but you then may find the thoughts coming back. Simply repeat the thought stopping process. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

You start to recognize when your thoughts are having a negative impact on your mood, and can stop the process before it gets too far along.

Thinking about how to solve a problem is productive. Worrying or thinking of worst-case scenarios is not. Going over and over what someone said or did that was upsetting only makes one more hurt or angry.

Peace of mind is not something that comes only when everything is right in our world. We can create it by giving the mind a rest; allowing it to become like a still pond, rather than a choppy sea. We can do this, even in difficult times. No matter what we have to deal with in life, we do a better job of it is we can remain calm. It is all in the head.

Related MP3s Available:

Releasing Stress
Stop Worrying and Start Enjoying Life
Releasing Anxiety
Creating Balance in Your Life
Restful Sleep

Releasing Stress MP3