Often parents express the concern that their child has no or few friends. This can happen at any age. Whether the child is six or sixteen, parents may be tempted to become involved in trying to change the situation. When is it appropriate to do so, and when should parents hang back, and let things be?
The first question to be addressed is how the child feels about the situation. If the child feels lonely and isolated, then parents need to try to help. However, if the child is quite content, the issue should not be forced.
We are all different, and some children are loners at different stages of life. A child may be more introspective, and love spending time alone pursuing his or her interests. Creative or intellectual development often happens during quiet times, when the child is alone with his or her own soul. Often very bright children require higher levels of stimulation than that available with their peers. In many cases, as young adults they establish deep and enduring friendships with kindred spirits. These children should not be made to feel that something is wrong with them because they do not spend more time socializing.
Sometimes children need a respite from being in a school filled with students all day. They just need some quiet time. They may have a need to spend time with siblings and parents, because familial bonding nurtures and strengthens them. We must allow each child to find his or her own comfort level of interaction within and outside of the family.
If a child clearly wants more involvement with friends and is having difficulty creating that, there are several ways we can help. First, we need to observe how the child interacts with others. Demanding and controlling, or mean behavior will push others away.
We can talk to children about what it means to be a friend, and what makes others want us for a friend. Being kind and friendly, sharing, and showing an interest in others are good ways to start. Inviting others to participate in activities shows them you want to be friends.
If lack of friends continues to be a problem, it can be helpful to talk to the child’s teachers, to see what is happening at school. If the issue does not become resolved despite your best efforts, a couple of visits with a psychologist who works with children can be very helpful.
Copyright © Gwen Randall-Young, All Rights Reserved. Contact us if you would like permission to reprint.
I often have the opportunity to work with children, and frequently hear stories from elementary age girls about the ongoing turmoil that arises out of the changing nature of friendships at that age. It seems that there are generally at least one or two girls in the group who view friends as possessions which are not to be shared.
I shudder when I hear the term ‘failed marriage,’ or that someone ‘failed’ a grade at school. To ‘fail,’ according to the dictionary, is to not succeed; be unable to do or become what is wanted, attempted or expected; come out badly. According to this definition we must all be failures at something.
Over the years, a majority of my clients who must go on sick leave, have feelings of shame and embarrassment. The reason for this is that what is common in many workplaces, is criticizing ones who must be on disability.
Many women have grown up watching their Mothers being dominated by the man in her life. In many cultures the man is still considered the head of the house. If the Father dominated the Mother, he probably dominated the children as well. So his daughter learned that if the man gets angry, you’d better do what he says, or better still, try not to make him angry in the first place. She may have gone through school, learning that if you did not behave, you would be sent to the principal. Often, the principal was a man, so once again she was conditioned to be a good girl, and avoid the wrath of men. She may even have entered the world of work, only to be faced with a male boss, who had the power to fire her if she did not live up to his expectations. She survives, perhaps even thrives, and goes on to raise a family.
It certainly can be a challenge dealing with the demands and frustrations of being a parent, while at the same time being conscious of the emotional well-being of our children.
A common complaint women have about their partners relates to communication about difficult issues. He may handle things well all day at work, or with his family and friends, but her man gets upset (angry) when he has difficulty with her.
Does fear stop you from trying new things? Do you hesitate to apply for a new job, take a course, or meet new people because you feel insecure about how you will do? This is a fear of the unknown, because if we had a guarantee that things would turn out well, we likely would be more willing to go ahead with a new experience.
“ Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone. ” ~ Paul Tillich quotes
It is easy enough to do, for we are all, at some level, sensitive beings. The problem here is that carrying that grudge keeps it alive and active in our consciousness, as though it just happened yesterday.